As we were all reminded by a tiny, gender-neutral, pacing figure this week, Spring Weekend is rapidly approaching. For a disturbing proportion of campus, this means losing our spring-weekend virginities, so I’m expecting a busy weekend of Instagram thirst trap photo-ops and trying of new substances. You’re front-loading homework, listening to Flo Milli and watching your friends text their slightly cooler friends to secure some fun for the weekend. But if you’re not going to do drugs – maybe Euphoria really got to you or maybe you recently listened to a boy tell you about his acid trip and got the ick – whatever your reason, here are 5 alternatives:
- Tell your friend you hate their boyfriend
Go on, do it. I know you’re all thinking of someone, and if you’re not, you’re not thinking hard enough. Select the right moment, right after he does something slightly annoying (extra points if it’s casual misogyny), and pick a huge fight. Afterwards claim you were only joking. The high from this one is all in the drama of the moment and very physiological, like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Bonus points: This will spice up your weekend and give your whole friend group something to talk about, especially if you’re not the only hater (you never are). If any of my friends are reading this and think this is about you, it’s not. Unless…
- RISD-fish
Spring weekend is a music festival, right? Right? So dress like it’s Coachella (whatever that is anymore) and catfish as a RISD student. This is best achieved by lightweight layering, crazy eye makeup, and listening to Grimes while getting ready. You can then either flirt with strangers and lie and tell them you go to RISD (if they ask how you’re at with spring weekend, just distract them by throwing a paintbrush and running), or you can frequent a RISD-area bar and wait for someone to ask if you go to RISD. Either way, the high is unmatched, you are floating on an oil-painted cloud above all of these basic bitches. Then go home and listen to some Olivia Rodrigo to reset to normal (this helps with the comedown).
- Drop that class!
You know that class you have, the one you’re seriously concerned you’re going to fail? Drop it! Who cares that we’re days away from the end of the semester, you’re awesome and you don’t deserve to take a final! Ride the high for the entirety of Spring Weekend – now you don’t have to catch up on two months worth of missed discussion posts and that one midterm.
- Steal from a frat party
An old but gold, classic, tried-and-true way to expend your feminine rage: steal from your nearest frat party. Literally take whatever, they don’t need it, plus the guy at the door looked at your boobs right in front of your face. Ideal items for your devious licks include: alcohol of any variety, advil (you know they’ll want it tomorrow), snacks, and any fun little trinkets that catch your eye. Basically, anything you want or anything they might need. Fulfilling your genetically predetermined need to be a hunter-gatherer might not be as good as coke, but it’s pretty close.
- Make fun of people who went to the Bill Clinton talk
Come on guys, according to my republican uncle this is supposed to be a crazy radical place and we’re going to venerate the guy who signed the 1994 Crime Bill? Back in 2008, we threw a pie at a guy for being a capitalist. Where did that school spirit go? Every day we stray further from Queer Dance. Restore equilibrium by making fun of everyone who went to the Bill Clinton talk, and hey, if you did go, just join in quickly and hope no one notices. Gentle societal pressure (read: bullying) is always fun, especially when it’s for social good. Pat yourself on the back, you’re a good person!
So whatever you’re guzzling, inhaling or ingesting this weekend and whosoever’s hair you’re holding back while they vomit mid-darty, remember the wise words of Flo Milli:
“y’all gotta stop snorting that shit while im onstage… pls do yo line b4 I get there.”
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