Damn! I stubbed my toe. This is an example of the type of frivolous rookie medical issue this article will not be discussing. This is for serious. I’ve recently discovered that college is a severely dangerous place, ready to inflict very real medical damage on all those unprepared (namely, bleary eyed, lanyard-wearing first-semester freshmen). Luckily, I’ve kept a list of some of the worst, so that those yet unscathed might be able to ready themselves for these common inevitable misfortunes, and any hardened warriors like myself might harken back to those rough times in their lives and cry a little bit.
1. The Really Really Shitty Cold. That’s right, chronic sleep deprivation in combination with Ratty onion rings and all those different germ pools you traversed on Saturday night will make your immune system weak AF. This cold is really, really, shitty – your nose will run like Usain and your congestion will cause you to walk into a couple walls. You’ll stuff tissues up your nose and just leave them there. Your man voice on the phone will be enough to provoke your mom to send you some powdered instant miso soup. Powdered miso soup is not the cure for the Really Really Shitty Cold. The cure is probably self-care and some low-grade medical services, but who has time for that? You’ll hold out until the weekend when you’ll realize that no one wants to take you out with them on account that you scare people, and you’ll retreat to your dorm to sleep and wheeze in peace for two days. After that you should be good.
2. Mono. If you’re lucky, the previously mentioned Really Really Shitty Cold is actually “the mono.” So now you can eke out some SEAS accommodations for any test you’re not feeling for the rest of the semester, and you have an interesting conversation starter to help you out with that bearded beauty you might be eyeing across a dingy basement somewhere. E.g. “Oh, hey,” “Sup.” “Wanna make out? JK I have mono!” Both laugh, exchange numbers, married, babies, rocking chair, done.
3. Scabs on your ankle crotch. People fall in college. You fall, I fall, probably C-Pax herself falls every now and then. Sometimes I fall (not unsexily) down steep hills because of the salt that’s there to keep people from falling, and the said salt tears my new tights and takes a nice gouge out of the skin on my ankle crotch (that part right around your sock tan line, between your unshaven shin and unmanicured foot). Winter falls are real, people – not even your most treasured crevices are safe. Your scabs will be thick as nickels and you should keep slapping Princess Tatiana band-aids over them for weeks to keep yourself from picking.
4. Rotting teeth. Yup that’s correct, last time I went to the dentist I was condescendingly informed that I have five rotting teeth in the back of my mouth. This makes no sense because I brush my teeth every day and as of five months ago the only thing I drink is Coke Zero. At this point you might be thinking, “Oh, it’s probably the Coke Zero,” and maybe you’re right, but congratulations genius I’m still gonna drink it.
5. Mouth sores. During the course of the semester you may observe some painful, bumpy areas on the inside of your mouth. Don’t think about these too much or you’ll start to worry about mouth herpes. Take it from me, someone who hasn’t had mouth herpes but has spent a great deal of time worrying about mouth herpes.
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