Let me tell you something: I am innately distrustful of gyms. They conjure up images of sweaty bros snarling as they bench-press two hundred pound weights and snort protein powder off of each other’s calves. Not exactly what I’m into, by any means. But my indifference changed when I visited the Nelson for the first time.
So if like me, you avoided going to the Nelson your entire freshman year when you lived roughly three minutes from it, you are in for a treat. My walk to the holy exercise sanctuary this year is approximately five times that, but totally worth it. I have been to the Nelson a grand total of two times so far, but each time has been a grandiose extravaganza.
Even just entering the Nelson itself will take your breath away. Ambient lighting, tiled floors and a tasteful cream-gold-grey color scheme gives it country club vibes that make you just want to sink into one of the cushy red chairs. However, resist the urge and move beyond it! You didn’t come here to relax. You came here to get fit.
When you make it to the exercise room, you must immediately stride purposefully to one of the machines. Any of them. Maybe the first one you see. The longer you stand there gaping at this foreign sight, the more you’ll get intimidated by the determined-looking individuals who are far more capable of exercising than you are.
Should you ever need that extra motivation to push through the last .2 of your mile on the elliptical, just take a glance around the room. You’re sure to spot a tough-looking woman well into her sixties who means business. This will immediately make you feel pathetic. You know you will never be as strong-willed as that sixty-five year old. The least you can do is try while your body is in its prime.
One warning: do be careful that you don’t overdo your workout due to enthusiasm. You’ll get that adrenaline high from the realization that you’re exercising in a gym like a real functioning human being. Almost like an athlete! Fuck being a NARP, you’ve totally reached ARP status now! Did you just run thirty minutes on an elliptical? Time to whip out the mat and do some push-ups and sit-ups until your forearms feel like they’re going to rip themselves out of your body!
And that is when you have to check yourself. The pain might be making you feel oh so alive now, but if you can’t get out of bed the next morning, you will absolutely hate yourself.
Finally, don’t forget to top off your gym sesh with a Nelson Shower Special to wash all that glorious hard-earned sweat off. With glass walls and a not-pathetic water pressure, it’s seriously luxurious. The first time around, I forgot to bring flip-flops but risked going in barefoot. Guess what? It was totally fine! If I used my dorm shower without shoes, I’d probably come out with no fewer than seven foot diseases.
And if you casually throw into your conversation, “Yeah, just went to the gym. Haha no, not Grad Center–the Nelson,” you’ll receive impressed looks. Boom. Instant ego boost.
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