Valentine’s Day is overrated. If you’re an intellectual femcel like myself, you know that it is just another holiday rooted in capitalism created to make all us single people feel guilty that we aren’t in relationships and spewing out the next generation of lovesick babies ready to refuel the insidious cycle. (Unless, of course, you’ve managed to secure yourself a valentine. Then, perhaps, it can be kind of cute). But if you’re reading this right now, odds are you have not.
Hey, don’t blame yourself! February snuck up on us! We’ve been back at school for, like, two weekends. You’re focused on your work. After spending all of winter break caterpillar-ed in on your bed re-watching ‘Orange Is the New Black’ for the sixth time, socializing is no longer in your wheelhouse. It’s okay, we’ve all been there. Your worth is not based on your relationship status! Regardless, loneliness is utterly sucky in every capacity. So, while your friends are busy with their stupid partners exchanging corny gifts and getting sticky smooches, here’s a list of things you can do to make yourself feel (slightly) better :
1. Message your middle school crush
Literally why not. The middle school crush is the one you had before your dreams all shriveled up. Back when love was like a John Green novel and nothing was so messed up it couldn’t be fixed with an apology and a Peter Gabriel song (if you didn’t get the reference, maybe you weren’t the same breed of 7th grader that I was). The middle school crush is the one you’d still make out with now, just to prove to your starry-eyed, emo past-self that you can. Plus, you haven’t seen them in two years! What do you have to lose? Reaching out will result in one of three outcomes:
A) You will be ignored
B) You will gain enlightening insight into the current endeavors of this middle school love, OR
C) You’ll seal the deal for your past-self next time you venture back to your hometown
Scenario A is certainly not the end of the world and the potential for scenarios B and/or C make it so worth it. This will surely spice up your V-day.
2. Try shrooms
I know you’ve been wanting to for ages. You watched that Netflix documentary with all the celebrities and everything. You’re well researched but have had no good chance to actually get it done. It happens. But let’s be real here – you were never gonna actually dedicate a full night to it, were you? You have too much FOMO for that. Take this chance to reframe your datelessness this February 14th. Your friends may be having luxurious V-day sex, but what you have (for once) is an abysmally empty night. And what better way to fill this void of an evening than with the trip-induced epiphanies for which you have been so desperately yearning? This is the silver lining of silver linings, a golden opportunity! The gates of psychedelic-induced bliss are before you, and whichever lonely friends you bring along for the ride.
3. Masturbate
Hey, you know your body better than anyone else. This one’s self-explanatory and fairly serious for a Rib piece but I mean, at least you’re more likely to have an orgasm on Valentines Day than 85% of women in heterosexual relationships <3
4. Streak down Thayer Street
Someone deserves to see your hot and sexy naked body today. Check that shit OFF your bucket list. Show off those new nipple piercings. Let that bush feel the cold February air course through her. Plus, I hear the coldness will actually numb you to any feelings of loneliness and sorrow! And afterward, you can chow down on some conciliatory Bajas (unlike a relationship, it won’t hurt your wallet or your heart, but it may hurt your stomach). Also, people will probably wanna be your valentine next year after seeing you, fearless and nude, sprinting top speed past Metro Mart and Ben & Jerry’s.
5. Imagine what couples talk about in private.
I’ve saved the best for last. This is me whipping out the big guns, my ultimate ick, and the thing that soothes my pitiful heart each and every time I think about how sad, lonely, and single I am. If you see a couple in the wild, all you have to do is think about what they converse about when they’re alone together. What are their text conversations like? Is it just Gamepigeon or is there anything of substance? Maybe I’m just a pretentious asshole who thinks only my own private conversations are insightful and important. BUT, when I see a particular breed of straight man in a relationship, I can tell that he’s telling her about Tom Brady’s retirement. Knowing deep down that this conversation is my own personal hell makes me feel a little bit better about my current circumstances. Plus, you just KNOW a whole lot of this nothing-talk will be occurring on Valentine’s Day Eve, while all these awkward couples have awkwarder one-on-one conversations over candlelit dinners.
It is human to yearn for connection, and being lonely sucks. We single folks at the Rib stand in solidarity with our lovely single readers. You will make it through Valentine’s Day 2022 (especially with the help of this comprehensive list of tips and tricks). And if all else fails, I will gladly be any of your valentines.
Xoxo Lucy
Image via. Lucy Lebowitz