Let’s talk about ice cream. In particular, let’s talk about Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. I am a huge fan of their products, but when I took a good look at Ben & Jerry’s flavor names, I realized that they are both outdated and overwhelmingly male-dominated. There’s Phish Food, celebrating an all-male band that seems to have peaked in the 90s. There’s The Tonight Dough Starring Jimmy Fallon and Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream, named after male late night television hosts. There’s Chubby Hubby, which is obviously only to be consumed by husbands; WayneS’wirled, after the 1992 Mike Meyers film; and Cherry Garcia, after Jerry Garcia, who I didn’t even know was a person. Really though, who is Jerry Garcia? (Google tells me he was a member of the Grateful Dead). So many men!
The only flavor I found named after a woman was Liz Lemon, and it wasn’t even ice cream. It was Greek yogurt which, as someone pointed out, has some strange implications about women and ice cream. I know for a fact that women love ice cream just as much as men do, and I think it is time for Ben & Jerry’s to acknowledge their female consumers with flavors celebrating some of the fabulous women of our generation. Here are my suggestions:
On Wednesdays We Eat Pink Ice Cream: Paying homage to the revered film Mean Girls, this ice cream is a complex concoction of the pinkest flavors around—bubblegum, cotton candy, watermelon, and strawberry—because why choose just one? Its crunchy texture comes from the sparkling pieces of plastic tiara, included because everyone deserves to feel like a prom queen. It’s also full of secrets, and if you’re not eating it, you can’t sit with us. And does she even go here?
I Knew You Were Truffle: This ice cream is a tribute to the one and only Taylor Swift and is ideal for that post-breakup, drown-your-sorrows snack. Like all great snack foods, this is the perfect blend of salt—from the teardrops on her guitar—and sweet, sweet revenge. The exact recipe is of course a secret, but T-Swizzle has promised some hints in the liner notes of her next album. Seriously though, this ice cream understands heartbreak like no other.
Bey-nana Split: Sorry Queen B, not even your name is safe from the puntastic wiles of Ben & Jerry. This ice cream may look like the classic Banana Split flavor, but it is so much more than that. It is **flawless. It woke up like this. It tastes like success. And when you eat it, you will be able to answer this question loud and clear: Who run the world? GIRLS!
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