With the end of timely warnings following DPS’ exciting arrest of the Orbee Gun Fiend (which I sincerely hope culminated in a high-speed car chase down Power Street), reports are surfacing of a new threat on the shaken streets of Brown University.
Eleanor Dushin ‘26 was walking down Brown Street at 1:52am last Tuesday night when she felt a dart wizz past her head.
“At first I was like oh em gee it’s finally happening to me! I was being projectiled. It was a thrill,” she reports on the initial moments of the attack.
Giddy and undisturbed, she continued her stroll when another dart narrowly missed her shoulder. When she turned around, she was greeted by two students in ski masks and reflective red vests reading “DANGERWALK.” Then, the chase began. Dodging unknown projectiles and running as fast as her little legs could take her, Eleanor was hunted by the “danger walkers” all the way back to her dorm and narrowly escaped with her life.
While Safewalk is claiming ignorance of the perpetrators of the attack and denying any connection to Dangerwalk, word has quickly spread around campus. Students may request a Dangerwalk through its website on the dark web. Unlike Safewalk, users of its evil sister service request a Dangerwalk on behalf of their enemies rather than themselves (unless you’re really chasing a thrill). Exes, male political science majors, ResLife, etc—beware. Your actions may soon have some consequences. Safewalk members are also being targeted and have been found knocked out around campus from sleeping powder darts peacefully spooning their partner walkers.
The Rib attempted to contact Dangerwalk personnel through the number listed at their website (401-AAA-AAHH), but deep fakes and voice modification made identification of any connected individual impossible. DPS has been paralyzed with fear and slow to respond to the crisis and the University has yet to comment.
A turf war is brewing on the streets of Brown University between The Walkers. Who will emerge victorious? Stay tuned to find out.