Fear of commitment is often construed in the media as a sexy type of baggage. It comes along with brooding characters who have ‘lots of issues’, but a heart of gold. Fear of commitment is also usually portrayed as a hurdle for the other person to get over – i.e. I need to be a wonderful enough significant other (usually manic pixie dream girl) that I can break down my lover’s walls! They actually want to commit to me, they just don’t know it yet! People allergic to exclusivity are supposed to be the heartbreakers among us.
Well, I am a commitment-phobe, and I am no heart breaker. Actually, I come across as more of the desperate, clingy type who is always getting rejected. I never really stopped to think about my relationship with “getting in relationships” until recently.
I was crying on Skype with my mother about how often my romantic endeavors horribly, miserably fail (this is not unusual) when Momma Dorms decided to dish some truth. She said that all of the partners I pursue are unavailable, and had these situations progressed further, I would have been so unhappy that they were basically doing me a favor with their rejection. Whoa, that’s a lot to hear from your mom . . .
On second thought, she’s kind of right though. I am notorious in my friend group for dating the scum of the Earth, AND somehow managing to get dumped by them. Every time someone reciprocates my affection, I freak out and decide they’re gross. By gross, I mean too nice, too easy going, and too emotionally available. It’s not a sexy emotional hang up, it’s poor decision making. All of the black nail polish and aviator sunglasses in the world couldn’t transform that anxiety into a desire to “not be tamed.”
I don’t want to imply that I should regret not giving more chances to the ‘nice guys.’ When you fall for someone, you fall for someone, and that can’t be rushed or planned out in advance. However, I should probably stop wasting tears on humans that I was only pursuing because they presented zero risk, a.k.a. it was 100% certain they would deny me, so my subconscious never had to worry about vulnerability.
I think that gets us back to why a lot of people are afraid of commitment in the first place: because they have issues. Baggage makes for good plot lines on Shondaland, and not so good experiences in real life. You’re not walking around thinking, “Wouldn’t it be cool if I put up a bunch of walls and avoid meaningful connections”: your internal calculation looks more like “last relationship = heartbreak, no heart = no heartbreak!” Or, maybe you’re the type who projects their own shortcomings onto every rejection; I am. Whenever a one night stand doesn’t become something more, I assume it’s because the other person sensed that I have 99 problems, and they’re probably all related to daddy issues.
Romantic flings peter out for a million different reasons, and although we like to emphasize our own broken hearts, we usually reject people just as often as we get rejected. For every person you’re pining after, there is probably some rando pining after you. If you find you’re constantly getting the short end of the hook up stick, maybe ask yourself whether you’re actually ready for a serious relationship. There’s a big difference between wanting to feel in love, and being in the emotional head space for that to happen. And for a small fee, you could also Skype my mother and she can work out your issues for you (just kidding, you can’t because I still need her undivided attention).
I wish this realization would also play out like it does on T.V. – I realize what’s been holding me back, let go of my baggage, and fall head over heels for the next Joe I meet. Realistically, I don’t know how to move forward with this knowledge. I’ve been single for over 4 years, and it seems like I won’t be ready for something more for quite awhile. I could stop wasting my time chasing after married dudes, but then I would have nothing to blog about. Instead, I’ll probably invest in a leather jacket and motorcycle, and get my angsty brood on. Might as well go for the sexy aspect, if I already have the tragic past and shattered soul down pat. Everyone prepare to be a whole lot more attracted to me – I’m going bad boy.
Image via Caitlin Dorman, and via.