I recently learned that Facebook has groups that you can put your friends in without them knowing. I have the wonderfully thrilling options of sorting people into categories like “acquaintances” and “close friends.” This visual categorization of humans seemed scandalous at first, but I quickly became jaded with the available choices. Facebook wasn’t really giving me what I needed. So, I’ve decided to follow in Kanye’s footsteps and call out Facebook. Please institute the following categories:
1. Friends that have stupid political views or have stupid ways of expressing them
These people vary from random high school classmate to super BFF, but on Facebook they’re known to everyone as the person that elicits an: “Ugh…not again” every time they show up on your feed. For some reason, these people don’t understand that I look at Facebook to see the different events my friends are going to and to look at excessively long, heavily-filtered vacation albums. I even enjoy the occasional rant about the minutiae of people’s lives. But I don’t want to see a post every time a politician from a different party breathes. Don’t take it the wrong way if I unfollow you–I don’t hate you, I hate how you use Facebook.
2. People you met at an orientation event
There is nothing like realizing you’ve been sharing every article you like, every event you’re interested in, and every meme that’s ever existed with some random person you met at orientation. I’m sure there’s a reason why I haven’t talked to you since, but I honestly don’t even recognize your name enough to tell you. I will add a big thank you for friending me on Facebook and letting me seem more socially competent during that scary first week of college. However, I think it would be better for the both of us if I unfriended you now.
3. Close friends that don’t understand that the internet never dies
I love these people a lot. And that’s why I do crazy shit with them everyday. The one reason not to love them is their inability to realize that my Facebook is a work of art carefully crafted to make me look like I’m not as stupid as I am. I appreciate their desire to preserve all the good times so we can reminiscence five years from now when we’re experiencing our quarter-life crises, but unfortunately Facebook is filled with too many random people to make this okay. My middle school PE teacher doesn’t need to see me up at 3 am doing questionable things. Save that stuff for Snapchat.
4. Guys that look good in their profile pictures
I apologize for being superficial sometimes. It’s just that you make the world a better place when you post pictures. Thank you for being a part of my life. I will never take our online relationship for granted, especially when my friends ask me, “Who is that?” and I can’t help but talk about our deep and meaningful friendship.
Ultimately, Facebook is hauntingly beautiful in its ability to show me all the people I know and all the ways I know them. Defining friendships offline is almost impossible, so I don’t know why I assumed Facebook would make everything better, but I guess it tries its best. Until it fulfills my category-related dreams, I’ll be satisfied using Facebook to watch videos of puppies and to laugh at friends that are tagged in edgy memes.
Image via.
