Earlier this week, I stumbled across an NPR article bearing the horrifying title “Can Hand-Cut, Artisanal Ice Make Your Cocktail That Much Better?” I had to double-check to make sure I wasn’t on The Onion website.

The article reads: “‘If you’re gonna get a drink that’s $15, it better have the best ice,’ says Joe Ambrose, a bartender at the W Hotel who co-founded Favourite Ice, the company that’s hand-chiseling frozen water for about 30 restaurants and caterers in the D.C. area.”

What a great idea for a start-up! Nice job finding a synonym for ‘ice.’ How anyone could possible think it’s a good idea to sell something that can be made for free by anyone with electricity and running water is beyond me. The fact that Ambrose managed to get other people on board is even more astonishing, but hey, I guess it’s working.

“Regular ice is cloudy because of the minerals like calcium in tap water, Ambrose says […] So he filters water, and then puts it in a big machine made by Clinebell — the same machine that makes those huge blocks for ice sculptures. The machine churns out 200- to 300-pound blocks of crystal-clear ice.”

Shall we make the ice cubes emerald cut to show off their purity?

“…A restaurant called Second State will charge $1 per “hand-cut rock” if you order from its rye whiskey menu.”

Are we still talking about ice here? This whole thing would make a lot more sense if it was really a drug front all along. Pass the hand-cut rocks.

The article ends with an attempt to ascribe real value to artisanal ice. With some material goods, you really do get more value for more money (one-ply toilet paper, I’m looking at you), but I’m pretty sure i  ce doesn’t fall into this category. Anyway, here’s the claim: “Artisanal ice is pretty, but the real selling point is that the super-sized cubes melt more slowly, which gives you more time to enjoy the flavors in your fancy drink.”

Sure it does.

I’m actually surprised they don’t make more unique shapes. Dinosaur-shaped artisanal ice cubes for a kid’s birthday? Such a tasteful detail! Octagonal ice pieces? They catch the light beautifully! I guess a big, square, roughly hewn cube has a certain rustic appeal, though. It’s a timeless look.

I’m also surprised they haven’t started making flavored ice cubes. I mean, they could be lavender infused! Salted caramels, make way for the salted ice cube. Artisanal sea salt only, of course. Which brings me to an awful possibility…

Brace yourself for the pumpkin spicecube. It’s coming.

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