We all know dating can be hard; finding the perfect man is a daunting task. It’s happened to all of us–he doesn’t look like his profile picture, he just wants to be friends, or he doesn’t return your calls. But for me, every time I fall in love with someone, he turns out to be a midsize sedan. Whether he’s a Honda Civic, a Subaru Impreza, a fucking Kia Optima–I mean you name it, and I’ve fallen in love with one. But I’m a woman. I have needs. I don’t know what it is about me, but it’s just every time I find myself being swept off my feet, and just before those three special words leave my lips, I realize that he’s a fucking four-door, economically-priced motor vehicle.
One time, I really thought I was in love. It was just after college and I booked us a romantic week-long vacation to Paris. Our final night there, I was ready to tell him how I felt. We were walking along the bank of the Seine, sipping on a velvety Cabernet Sauvignon. The air was warm, the mood was right. The gentle breeze blew in the sweet melody of a distant accordion. The moon was sparkling in my eyes, and as I leaned in for that picture-perfect kiss, I suddenly realized that the moonlight was reflecting off of his side-view mirrors! Imagine my frustration when upon further investigation I found out that all along he was a fucking Toyota Camry. Not again!
They say all the good men are either taken or gay, but for me, they’re usually just one of fucking J.D. Power and Associates’ most recent award winners. Throughout the years I’ve gone through the U.S. News & World Report highest ranked Compact Car, Compact Premium Car, and Midsize Premium Car, just to name a few– and you know I fell hard in love with its best Midsize Sporty Car of 2017, the Ford Mustang (can you blame a girl?).
The hardest part of it all is that I always end up feeling cheated, which makes me ask myself if maybe it’s me who has the problem. But then I have to stay strong and remind myself that no, it’s not me. Every relationship is a two-way street. It just happens that all of my streets are in sedan-filled suburbia. Seriously though, why can’t I just meet a guy who can’t comfortably fit a family of four??
Because of all the distress I’ve put myself through, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a list of warning signs so that no other women will have to be led astray by a given year’s Consumer Reports.
- If he loves to travel, start to consider the possibility that he may be a car. This one can be misleading because I’ve found that human men, too, like to travel.
- If he has a very comfortable interior, it might be another sign that he is a car.
- Leather upholstery is a big red flag, though nothing to give up a relationship for. Still, continue to look for other signs.
- If it turns out your man has a four-wheel drive and enough trunk space to fit your skis, definitely consider getting out of the relationship–this proves that he is, in fact, a car, and that your relationship should not move forward. This also goes for if he is a two-wheel drive vehicle.
- Finally, if you ever ever find yourself filling him up with gas, it is time to end the relationship, no matter how in love with him you think you are.
Time and again I’ve been so blinded by love that I’ve ignored all of these classic signs; my relationships all progressed until it was just too late. When I eventually found out out they were all automobiles, my heart would break in two. Luckily, though, I think I’ve found the perfect man. He is sweet, he is kind, he is not a car. He treats me right and he’s good for the environment. He’s reliable, low-maintenance, and always up for an afternoon in the park. There’s no way he could be a car since he only has two wheels. I think I’ve finally found something really special.
Image via.
