2017 has been a rough year, and there’s been a lot to worry about. I’ve been really worried! All our news is fake, all our politicians are gross sex criminals and the new eps of Curb are definitively less dry and irreverent than the earlier ones. More concerning than all that, however, is that I’ve realized that our commander-in-chief, the most glorious and infallible being in this hemisphere (respects to Kim Jr.) is heavily vulnerable to assassination.
I don’t want to stress anyone out too much, but I’m starting to think we might be looking at a Trump presidency much shorter than the electoral college intended. I’ve come up with a pretty comprehensive list of all the ways in which Donald could be theoretically offed, and it’s grim. To be clear, I don’t at all want anyone to use this as an instruction manual for how to potentially get rid of Trump, but rather to use this as a warning so that we can be wary to protect our president in ways we may not have previously considered. Again, I don’t want readers to do any of these things, or it might mean the end of Trump forever, which would be bad and a negative thing overall.
Okay, here are all the ways a theoretical enemy could end President Trump:
- Remove the child protective covers from all the electric sockets in the White House
- Allow him to continue to eat his normal diet, then hide his blood pressure medication for about three hours
- Pull his MAGA hat over his eyes while he’s strolling near any body of water
- Use one small fluff of a cotton ball or a dainty pinky finger to cover the 1 square mm of his nose that he appears to get all his air through
- Replace the caps on all the water bottles available to him with CamelBak bite valves. We don’t have evidence he can do much more than sip – he’d dry out within the hour.
Rubio-Style Sip of Water - Run him a hot bath and refuse to help him get out – his flaky body would disintegrate rapidly 🙁
- Put Mike Pence in a room with him alone and give him like an hour
- Put Melania in a room with him alone and give her like an hour
- Put Trump in Puerto Rico and give them like an hour
- Get your super political feminist aunt hopped up on bath salts and buy her a plane ticket to DC
- Convince the courts to make each count of hypocrisy punishable by one small scratch from a baby’s hangnail (Donald would be shredded beyond repair by New Year’s)
- Slip POTUS poison with the antidote written on a piece of paper–it would neutralize the poison completely if he could just read it without any help
- Are we sure Kim Jong Un is on Twitter? I feel like if he were on Twitter the “short and fat” jab would have been the last thing Trump ever twat*
If I missed anything, please let me know. This is a “living” document and I want it to be as comprehensive as possible. Long Live the King!
*that’s the correct past tense of “to tweet,” readers.
