Step one: Determine the exact nature of your dubious activity, and use your better judgement to decide whether you can pull it off outside of the confines of your dorm room. Updating your embarrassing, housewifey Pinterest board? You’re good to go. Subtly stalking the Facebook feed of a stranger? Just keep an eye out. Porn? Maybe you should head on indoors.
That includes you, Jeremy.
Step two: Find an appropriate location. The best are places where you sit with your back to a windowless, non-reflective wall. Chairs are preferable over tables and couches, because they minimize the chances of a friend sidling up and plopping down next to you and your shameful Google search about the weird color your poop was this morning.
Seriously, you should probably get that checked out.
Step three: Open your scandalous content, and immediately set your brightness to low and your volume to mute. Because even if you’re not watching a video, you never know when the robot uprising will begin and your computer will randomly decide to turn on you and shout SHE’S READING HARRY POTTER EROTICA to the entire dining hall.
“Baby, let me Slyther-in. ;-)”
Step four: Begin the traditional tilting laptop dance. Turn it a degree or two further into you as each passerby approaches. Eventually, the computer will have rotated so far that its screen is no longer visible even to you anymore. Shift it back to starting position and repeat. BONUS: Tilt your laptop lid down a little bit more each time as well. Eventually it’ll shut completely, and maybe, as your neck recovers from straining to see the screen, you’ll realize that you’re being juuuuust a teensy bit batshit.
Fuck off, GREG!
Step five: Destroy all evidence. Close the Incognito window. If you searched in a regular window, erase your history, and also remember not to be such a tech-illiterate dinosaur next time. Delete the Photobooth selfies, save your game of Sims under the file name “Calc Homework,” do whatever you have to do.
You can also smash your computer with a mallet, just to be safe.
Step six: Either resume normal college student laptop activities, like homework and browsing your favorite comedy website, The Rib, or leave your sneaky little nook for your next adventure, feeling partially accomplished, and partially confused as to why you were too lazy to just move somewhere private in the first place.
But don’t think on it too much. I mean, we’ve all done it.
