“If you could have one superpower, what would it be?”
When faced with this question, most people fall back on the classics: Flight, invisibility, super strength, etc. But not Chester Malone, ‘17. This Brown senior’s dream power is a bit more pragmatic.
“I just want to never spill a hot drink in the Ratty.”
For Malone, the dream power has become a reality, as he has finally mastered the art of walking through Brown’s main dining hall while holding a steaming beverage. The Rib was able to grab coffee and an interview with this extraordinary student in the refectory that helped make him famous.
Rib: Thanks for carrying my coffee. I was worried when you suggested we sit on the Roots and Shoots side, but you glided here with ease.
CM: And not a drop out of place. Yeah, that’s kind of my thing.
Rib: Don’t you get nervous?
CM: I used to. I used to make a cup of tea and see my life flash before my eyes with each dunk of the teabag. Performance anxiety set in, and I dreaded the tense walk to my table.
Rib: How many students are foregoing hot beverages altogether due to this travel anxiety?
CM: My guess is hundreds, if not thousands. I can’t tell you how many students I’ve seen burn their hands to a crisp because they’re trying to power through the dining hall.
Rib: And have you ever…?
CM: Yeah. I think there’s a huge stigma around it, but I’m not ashamed to say that I have really done a number on my hand because I was walking slowly with a piping cup o’ joe.
Rib: If that’s what it takes to not spill —
CM: That’s not all. I, like many others, used to stare at my mug the entire journey to my table.
Rib: And was that enough to contain the liquid?
CM: Sure, but I looked like a damned NERD. Not to mention the friends I lost because I didn’t say “hi” while passing them in the Ratty. I only had eyes for my mug, you see. I was in too deep, always terrified of losing control of the caffeinated beverage that was supposed to help me.
Rib: If you’re comfortable, could you tell us about a time you spilled?
CM: Okay. Freshman year I was pouring sugar in my Dark Roast at the coffee station when the pile-up began. I’m not exaggerating when I say that at least one, maybe even two, students were lined up to use the sugar next.
Rib: No! I thought that was a problem of the past.
CM: Like it or not, it still happens. We have to acknowledge it. Naturally, I became embarrassed, so I dumped more sugar in and launched my take-off without stirring. Flustered, with no prep time, I clutched my mug in a non-regulation position. I had to weave between students while the time bomb of heat threatened to explode. It seemed I would make it, but then I heard the words that would be my ruin: “They got chicken fingers.” It was an animalistic, impulse reaction, but the promise of breaded chicken made me look up from my drink. Scalding Dark Roast immediately covered the floor and my hands.
Rib: Did it hurt?
CM: If it did, the pain of shame surpassed it. The worst part? My table was right next to the coffee station.
Malone paused at this time to wipe away a tear.
CM: I’m sorry. Just… it can happen to anyone.
Rib: But look at how far you’ve come! Your confident Ratty swagger is legendary on campus. Several students have compared your performance to the “Hot Chocolate” number in Christmas film, The Polar Express.
CM: And that is an honor. I am proud to say that I’ve been spill-free since sophomore year.
Rib: What’s next for you?
CM: Now it’s time to give back to the community. I recently established a Ratty Safewalk system. I plan to station myself by the hot drinks and offer my services. Students are stressed enough — Why shouldn’t I make their lives easier by escorting their beverages to their tables at a breakneck speed?
Rib: And is it true that Christina Paxson will be honoring you with an award?
CM: It is. I am being recognized for my improvement. I used to walk stiffly and slowly, like a weird, caffeine-dependent tinman. Now I walk with a spring in my step, like a weird, caffeine-dependent normal guy.