Dear Weird Al Yankovic,
A few months ago, I published the following tweet:
It may seem like a joke, but I am 100% serious about wanting you as my mentor and financier. Since you are not one of my 25 followers (unless you are secretly a member of the band The Zombies, who inexplicably followed me on Twitter for a few short weeks), I thought I would express this proposition to you more directly because I feel like we could have a beneficial creative partnership. You would advise me/include me in your will, and I would help write songs/polish your accordion. I’m sure you get a lot of requests from young hopefuls such as myself, but I promise you that I’m the real deal. Here are my qualifications:
- A comprehensive background in comedy, as evidenced by my Monty Python yearbook quote, the XL Three Stooges shirt I wore as a nightgown as a young child, and my ability to seamlessly integrate quotes from Mel Brooks and Bill Murray movies into everyday conversation. Please also note that this is being published on a comedy blog.
- A comprehensive background in music, as evidenced by my nearly obsessive playlist making, the pink record player that sits next to my head while I sleep, and the fact that my greatest hobby in the 7th grade was reading websites dedicated to Beatles history.
- Naturally curly hair, and a willingness to get a perm if it isn’t curly enough.
- A clear and open preference to “Word Crimes” over Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” on both moral and artistic grounds.
- I make really good butterscotch brownies, which I view as a universal asset.
Naturally, you’d want to see demonstrated skill in the art of song parodying before agreeing to give me large quantities of cash money, I mean nurturing my artistic potential, so I’ve prepared a few samples:
“I’m a Carrier Pigeon” (a parody of “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M.)
That’s me, an informer
That’s me when I’m in flight
I’m a carrier pigeon
Trying to get mail to you
But I don’t know where I should put it
Oh no I’m in a rush
Man, this job is tough
(This song is about a carrier pigeon who is dissatisfied by his employment).
“Catfish Come Here” (a parody of “Wish You Were Here” by Pink Floyd)
Nev from Catfish won’t you please come here
I met this girl online after watching her Vine, just last year
Video chatting, the connection’s down,
She’s always out of town
She wants my money
It feels kind of funny.
(This song is about a man requesting that MTV’s Catfish help him figure out if the women he’s fallen in love with is who she says she is, and not a middle aged man or his ex-girlfriend who tried to steal his identity twice).
“Swine Flu” (a parody of “Fix You” by Coldplay)
When the snot comes running from your nose
When you use tissues with aloe
When you can’t do anything but lie in repose
Could you be more sick?
Your fever will continue to rise
Why didn’t you immunize?
You’ve contracted swine flu.
(This song is about contracting H1N1 during the 2009 swine flu epidemic).
I can do more than song parodying, just like you! I want to write a novel/celebrity memoir, I want to produce a web series, and I want to create a musical adaption of the Lord of the Rings using Led Zeppelin songs for the soundtrack exclusively, like how Mamma Mia! uses ABBA’s music. And I’m going to need a bunch of money (and creative inspiration) to make this all happen.
So whatta ya say, Al ol’ pal? Dr. Demento took a chance on you back in the day, so it seems only right that you take on a young protégé. Besides, we’re both only children with expressive eyebrows, born on the 23rd of a month! I mean, the universe wants this to happen!
Please reply at your earliest convenience. Though the tweet says I’m flexible, I’m really not. You’re my first and only choice to bankroll my art/guide me through the creative world.
Sincerely,
Sarah Clapp
Images via Sarah Clapp and via.
