Today, Todd Jones became the latest in a long line of dads to be personally affronted at the idea of anyone watching and – God forbid– enjoying reality television.
Slightly balding with shoes that don’t quite match his outfit, Jones, 54, is unassuming and indistinguishable from the thousands of other dads who have preceded him. When The Bachelor or Love Island is brought up at family dinner, however, Jones morphs from a harmless 5’11 banker into a festering pile of rage. His right eye starts to twitch, and the corners of his mouth begin to tremble.
‘I just can’t believe they watch that garbage,’ Jones fumes, rueing the day he spent thousands of dollars on his children’s school fees. ‘All those hours spent patiently explaining their maths homework while they silently sobbed into their palms, just for them to be sat squealing at the TV as two imbeciles pretend to fall in love. It’s despicable.’
Jones is also the first person to figure out that reality TV is scripted and seems desperate to share this news with anyone who’ll listen. ‘None of it’s real, you know,’ Jones reveals, looking terribly smug. ‘They’re all just after the cash prize and the fame.’ Ground-breaking.
‘I just wish the children would do something useful, like listen to the latest tech podcast I recommended on the family group chat, which – by the way – everyone ignored,’ Jones complains. ‘Instead, they’re getting emotionally invested in the made-up lives of people they don’t know. It’s embarrassing.’
Jones was last seen yelling at his TV set in an attempt to influence the outcome of a pre-recorded football game.