For months now, students have been fighting for Brown to divest from the ongoing genocide in Gaza. If you don’t know this by now, you definitely should make an appointment with CAPS because you must be disassociating 24/7. In which case yesssss you are so Slyvia Plath Bell Jar girlboss slay! (My brain has reached a level of rot that concerns my friends and family.)
Christina Paxson’s dog, DPax, was a little late to the game. He thought the sudden surge in Keffiyehs was a fun new fashion trend, the rallies on the Green were just some sort of avant-garde student performance, and “From the River to the Sea” was just students planning their spring break plans. Overhearing students in SJP talking about the need to “throw out” CPax, his tail started wagging because he heard the word “throw.”
However, under the tutelage of his illustrious owner, DPax has come to form his own, totally unique view on the divestment question. During an interview with a Rib reporter, he said the students’ report did not meet established standards for divestment. He then asked the reporter if she had any treats. In anticipation of DPax’s request, we bought several pouches of low-fat, dairy-free, vegan, organic, keto, high-protein dog treats from Whole Foods. (DPax has so many dietary restrictions because, unlike his nonmonogamous parents, he’s not open to putting just anything in his body.)
He also encouraged the students to submit their report to the proper place, and that going straight to the Corporation will not work. He then saw Elvy the Copy Dog walking by on his evening patrol and sniffed his ass.
“All lives matter,” said Elvy as CPax’s dog’s nose was up his ass crack.
“Woof woof, Elvy!” replied DPax.
When asked about the many pets in Gaza who have lost their lives due to the relentless bombing, he said, “The loss of innocent life should always be avoided. But unfortunately every cat, dog, fish, parakeet, and rabbit in Palestine is a Hamas operative.” He then threw up and the Rib’s investigative journalism team had to take him to the vet, where he was diagnosed with white supremacy. This is the first known case of white supremacy in a dog, and is actually a really cool medical breakthrough for the field of Dog Psychology!
But just as feminist thinker and legendary TERF Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie said, we cannot define people by a single story. There’s more to DPax than his stance on divestment. He also thinks the Steering Report wasn’t really necessary and thinks his owner should focus more on increasing the endowment. Upon seeing a Palestinian flag waving in the wind, his ears immediately perked up because the red reminded him of a red pantsuit. “Nobody realizes how hard it is to be the President of a University like this,” he said.
Last Friday, DPax could be seen weaving in and out of the student protests outside the Watson Institute, trying to trip them. “These student protesters are literally working for the Hamas terrorist parakeets,” he barked. Our reporter asked him to elaborate. He bit her. She is now dead. RIP Christine.