Google AdChoices isn’t about who you are, it’s about who you want to be. And I want to be a saucy woman that can seduce Paul Ryan. That’s why I have devoted the last twenty-four hours to searching for everything saucy, everything woman, and everything that Paul Ryan loves.
Bratwurst
Paul Ryan loves bratwurst. That’s why I added over one hundred dollars worth of bratwurst into my cart on various websites, liked “Bratwurst” on Facebook, and waited for Google AdChoices to work it’s magic. Soon enough, I saw two ads for bratwurst and a bonus ad for an all-natural meat bar. You know why? Because I’m a hot first-class ticket that can seduce Paul Ryan and his all-natural meat bar, and Google AdChoices knows it.
Working Out
Paul Ryan loves to work out. That’s why I’ve googled some high-class workout gear so Paul Ryan’s marathon time won’t be his only exercise-related fantasy. That’s right. Google AdChoices thinks I’m a smooth piece of white chocolate that can seduce Paul Ryan, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Wisconsin
Paul Ryan loves Wisconsin. That’s why I’ve looked up hotels in the area so that Google AdChoices believes that this sharp piece of cheddar will fly to the Midwest soon, just like Paul Ryan.
I even got hotel ads when I was testing my relationship compatibility with Paul Ryan!
Ayn Rand
Paul Ryan loves Ayn Rand. That’s why I’ve thrown the conservative manifesto into my Amazon cart and waited for it to pop back up like the all-knowing jack-in-the-box that is Google AdChoices. They say a great relationship is built upon shared interests, and lets just say that Google AdChoices is starting to think I’m a sweet piece of arm candy that’s going to seduce Paul Ryan.
Guns
Paul Ryan loves guns. That’s why I’ve searched for “guns near me” and “how to get a gun” for the last fifteen minutes. And look! Now Google AdChoices knows that I’m saucy pot of pasta that can wrap Paul Ryan up in a doggy bag and take him home.
I want Larry Page, James Comey, and the entirety of the DAA to lie awake at night fearing that I’m a classy broad that has the power to seduce Paul Ryan. I want the guy who hacks my computer at the NSA to alert his supervisor the minute he comes across my Google AdChoices. I want Mitch McConnell to wake up in a cold sweat after a nightmare where I have Paul Ryan in the palm of my left hand and flip everyone off with my right.
Featured image via, all other images via Allie Arnold.