Over the summer, I embarked upon a hard hitting investigative journalism piece. The project consumed my every thought and action. It started one day when my four year old brother was playing on his favorite website, Club Penguin. He urged my to make my own account and taken by the sense of nostalgia, I did. Mistakes were made and I accidentally got him banned for 24 hours. As the time wore on, i found myself thinking: what does one have to do to get banned from Club Penguin for life?
I started testing the bounds of club penguin immediately with my penguin’s name. I tried to name my penguin Lilly 69 and Lilly 420. Both were “not allowed” by Club Penguin. Clearly Club Penguin has a problem with the name “Lilly.” I shifted gears to something less obviously inappropriate. Finally I was able to make my penguin and name her AnaL09. It is important to note that when my penguin showed up in club penguin world, her name did not appear, rather some combination of letters and number that resembled a wifi password. Perhaps it was my capital L that threw them off for a minute and they caught it before I was able to log in.
When I logged on, I took a few minutes to play a couple of games (the surfing one is the best) so that I would have enough coins to buy myself a new outfit and a trusty puffle companion to help me on my mission. As the old saying goes, you have to dress for the job you want.
Once I was settled in my igloo with Keanu, I got down to business. I figured my best shot at getting banned would be through conversations since I didn’t really have control over anything else. I figured I would start small with words that my four year old brother says and would level up from there. And so, my montage of depravity began.
It should be noted that I suffered no punishments for saying both butt and crap. After each of my more serious transgressions I was banned for 24 hours. I was dumbfounded. What does it take to get banned forever? Maybe it was because I had been swearing alone in my igloo like a crazy person. Perhaps if I implicated another penguin, I would get banned. So as to continue to go about my research ethically and not ruin any innocent child’s Club Penguin Experience, I enlisted the help of my 18 year old sister Bella.
As I waited for Bella to log on, I took a walk around the Club Penguin universe to see what the “kids” are up to.
Wedding at my igloo? Who is clubby? It sounded like they were planning an arranged marriage between children AND looking for a mob boss.
The Westerns sound 100% like a cult.
When Bella finally logged on we immediately got to work. Right after I bought myself a new outfit.
We met in her igloo, which would probably be featured on Penguin Cribz.
She began antagonizing me immediately.
I’m pretty sure she should have been banned for hate speech. Riled up, I went on the attack.
In my defense she does have an exorbitant amount of puffles. (See above image) But I was still shocked. Even when I swore to another penguin, I was still only banned for 24 hours. Over the next 24 hours, I plotted my next move. Perhaps if she reported me, I would get banned. In order to get reported though, my language would need to be more sneaky. Each time I was banned for 24 hours before, I was banned immediately before my message even got the chance to show up on the screen. In order to get Bella to report me, I would need to say something crude enough to get banned, but not so obvious that Club Penguin would catch me immediately. I logged on the next day ready. I made a quick stop at the gift shop and bought a new outfit. One final outfit that allowed me to surrender to my true form.
We met in the same place, same time as the day before. She began with her antics again.
I fought back.
Surely Rihanna’s sultry lyrics would get me banned. I texted Bella telling her to report me. She then informed me that no messages had even showed up on her screen. I typed them again. Still nothing. What did they have against sticks? And stones? And Rihanna? And BDSM? It appeared Club Penguin had me trapped in some sort of censorship limbo where they wouldn’t let my voice be heard, but wouldn’t give me the satisfaction of being banned either. But I would not be silenced!
She did. But once again, my words wouldn’t go through. Feeling bold, Bella tried to send a message herself, but alas she flew too close to the sun and her attempt to call me a thot was foiled and she was banned immediately for 24 hours. The first casualty in my study. Knowing I couldn’t wait the 24 hours and that I needed the answers now, I called on my 16 year old sister for help. She answered the call willingly and we rendezvoused in my igloo. I contemplated what to say. Was this even worth it? Would I ever succeed? Is this too low brow? Should I stop listing The Rib on my resume? I batted those thoughts away. My Pulitzer was awaiting. Move over Ronan Farrow, this work needed to be done.
She reportedly me immediately. She said she got a notice saying the contents of our conversation had to be looked over. I was glad that due process extends itself to the realm of Club Penguin, but I was anxious to hear my fate.
I logged back on a few days later, hoping to see that my account and all traces of AnaL09 had been dissolved. But it wasn’t! I was free to log on and continue my vagrant behavior. At that point I was done. I resigned myself to the fact that I would never get banned for life on Club Penguin.
Follow Up: I was recently notified by a colleague of mine, Suzanne, that the only way to get banned for life on Club Penguin is to hack an account or cheat on a game. She came to this conclusion by doing a simple google search. Was this project a waste of time? Well that’s a question for a therapist for another day.