Once upon a time, it was absolutely necessary to steal sustenance from shops, marketplaces, and even trash bins to survive the winter. Even today, rampant poverty exists around the world and those with their lives on the line have it in their discretion to overlook ethical and legal implications.
However, we’re not in mid 1800s London. This is 21st century Providence, Rhode Island. More specifically, an elite Ivy League school. It seems an odd place to have so many modern day Oliver Twists.
The following serves as an open letter to a select group of members of the Brown Community. Brown University Dining Services (BuDs) workers affectionately refer to this group of people as: freaking asshats; elitist pricks; inconsiderate dillholes; etc. These people are more formally known as: Blue Room Food Thieves.
Three events in the past week have inspired me to write this letter:
- Someone bragging on the Brown University Confessions page about “surreptitiously” stealing muffins in the Blue Room.
- Someone managing to steal a Naked Burrito meal from the Blue Room, and after being confronted about it, knocked it to the floor outside Faunce (dramatic much?)
- My friend had thirty bucks worth of meat stolen from a communal fridge.
That last one is unrelated to the other incidents, unless the guy from incident #2 decided he was craving a bit of raw beef after his great escape, I think it still serves as an adequate example of the inconsideration some Brown students have for their fellow peers.
Dear Self-Described Food Kleptos,
I’m sure you may herald yourselves as icons, and advocators for the people against the tyranny that is overpriced food served by Brown University. I’m sure you consider yourselves real Harry Houdinis, slipping those muffins into your winter coats, M.I.A.’s “Bad Girls” playing in the background as you stroll out of the Blue Room with your loot. You pat yourselves on the back as you enjoy a freshly squashed blueberry muffin, relishing in your brilliance.
In reality, though, you’re simply punk ass kids who takes advantage of the Plague of Locusts that descends upon the cafe at the strike of 4 o’clock. We see you as people who aren’t willing to shell out $1.65 for a cookie or at the very least, grab a few and call it a meal credit. If money is truly the reason you’ve partaken in stealing from our establishment, allow me to make a couple suggestions. 1) Buy cookie dough. I happened to buy two rolls of cookie dough at the Campus Market for a mere $10 and was able to make 24 cookies. That’s approximately .41 cents per cookie. 2) Get a job at BuDs. The pay’s good (8.95/hr starting; that’s at least two muffins), the people are great, and you can take home a muffin as your shift meal!
I find it doubtful that in most cases of thievery, having no money is the true incentive. If that really is the case, however, I suggest stealing your full day’s nutritional requirements from the Ratty rather than pilfering a 400+calorie dessert. If I’m wrong, feel free to come forward and prove it to me. I completely understand being annoyed at the prices. I won’t lie, I take apples and oranges from the Ratty. But it’s basically a buffet and I’ve already paid for it all with my meal swipe at the door. The Blue Room is not a free-for-all cafe and it’s expected of you to pay for each and every product you buy. Goods and services are exchanged for money – didn’t anybody take AP Macroeconomics in high school? I got a 1 on the exam but even I know that valuable piece of information.
Know that every cookie or bottle of Odwalla you steal is a dollar that we lose and, in turn, could actually be more detrimental to you in the end. Potentially, prices could start being raised for Blue Room pastries or you could get additional stealing fees added to your overall Brown University bill. Isn’t that what most of you complain about anyway? You’re basically adding to these ridiculous financial costs? I rest my case on the economic detriments of stealing.
By robbing the Blue Room, you’re undermining our authority and making our jobs more difficult than they already are. Now, on top of our regular duties, we have to keep an eye on you and occasionally chase you down. By bragging about it on social media and acting like a hero, you’re being ridiculous. You wanna see real overpriced products, go buy a Ben and Jerry’s single scoop ice cream. You’re blatantly disrespecting the ethics that govern a society and disrespecting your fellow peers that try their hardest to ensure you have an efficient and enjoyable experience.
We’d really appreciate it if you didn’t steal from your campus eateries. Even for the dining halls, there’s a difference between snagging a single apple versus the whole bushel. If you feel you’re not quite getting the bang for your buck, go to the Ratty. For one meal credit, you can stay all day and snack on all the pizza, ice cream, and cookies you want.
Sincerely,
The BuDs employees. More specifically, that one short worker who gives you thinly veiled dirty looks when you ask for five different meats on your sandwich.
Image via.
