Squad 2020 is a survey open to first-year Brown University students with questions about their drug and alcohol use as well as that of their friends.
Despite the repeated assertions in the survey that all answers are completely confidential, there’s nothing particularly confidential-feeling about putting in the first and last names of ten besties and reporting the number of drinks they’ve had in the past thirty days.
Students are awarded a $55 dollar gift card for their completion of the March survey (and tacit endorsement of a police state). Here are some suggestions for what to spend it on.
- Zombie Flamingos, Pair in Display
You don’t need a lawn to enjoy some “unique décor for the Halloween Holiday!” These zombie flamingos are a playful subversion of suburban kitsch that will give any home a tough edge and any visitor a good laugh. These surefire conversation starters are guaranteed to keep the party rolling and help you forget that you’ve snitched on everyone you invited.
- Weed Man Costume Kit
Looking for a great Halloween costume, gag gift, or something to turn your partner on? Look no further! The Weed Man Costume Kit makes you feel like you’re out there flying high and saving lives, not like the money-loving snitch that you actually are.
- David’s Atlantic Giant Pumpkin Seeds
There’s nothing quite like growing something with your own two hands to help you forget that you were a willing participant in what feels a hell of a lot like a campus-wide snitching program. These pumpkin seeds and the big beautiful beauties they will become will help you feel like an old farmer and a bit less like those kids who were rewarded for turning in their own parents at the end of 1984.
- Swiss Cheese Door Wedge Set of 2 Door Stoppers
Did you lose track of that worthless little black door stopper the second you moved in? Never fear! This hip Cheese Door Wedge Set will allow you and a buddy to prop your doors open in sweet Swiss style. After all, there’s no point in maintaining the illusion of privacy when you’ve admitted to Squad 2020 that you “sometimes doubt your ability as a lover.”
5. Yodeling Pickle
The Yodeling Pickle belongs in the home of the man who has everything but a set of moral principles. Its salty symphony will drown out the voices that tell you that you’re just not the person you claimed to be during your college interview. The Yodeling Pickle’s melodious mountain cries are so compelling that you’ll be left with little time to reflect on the fact that in the course of a few months you’ve become someone who’s willing to sell out their friends for $55—and who honestly would have done it for less.