It’s a crisp, fall day. You’re walking out of your 6:30pm class in Barus and Holley and you hear rustling in a nearby bush. Your heart races. Maybe you’ll be one of the rare victims of a late night Providence robbery and be the next subject of a random DPS e-mail. You’re holding your breath. You peek.
It’s a fucking squirrel.
The little furry creatures are all over campus. You’d think a small, fuzzy animal would be cuteness overload for college students. But these things are less pet and more pest. Campus squirrels are scary. They are vicious, resilient, and unafraid. They know more about your life than Gail from the Ratty. Do these squirrel tales sound familiar?
They eat like we do- These rodents have strategically set up camp in dorms and areas around campus that allow them to maximize their food sources. Keeney squirrels live the life– the Key-nasty trashcans are always overflowing with half-full Ratty to-go boxes. The New Dorm squirrels, a source tells me, are particularly vicious. These chipmunk wannabes are the privileged. They are the 1%. They’ve tasted the glory of the spicy-with and they are not going back to plain old nuts. Two fellow Rib writers are eyewitnesses in the strange case of the Squirrel Who Carried A Whole Blue Room Muffin In A Plastic Bag. These squirrels are basically humanoid! Like Alvin and the Chipmunks only less cute and with better music.
They’ve seen the stupid shit you do – These fur-babies live where you live. They know you just like the humans in your life know you. The Main Green Crew has seen you throw a Frisbee straight into a lamp pole. You suck at Frisbee and they know it. They’ve also seen you hook up with a random person during Spring Weekend. The Keeney Squad saw you throw up and get carted off by EMS freshman year. And you, Kelly. They know what you did and they’re tired of your shit. You need to get your act together. How could you possibly be talking to Michael again, after what he did to you? Don’t. Text. Him.
They will rule us all some day – Now I’m not good at math, but I think the campus squirrels could easily outnumber us. Riddle me this: what happens to everyone once they graduate? Do they really move out and get “jobs,” or is that a myth? You know what’s very real, though? The amount of squirrels on campus. Coincidence? Did nut think so.
Image via.
