Patrons of Thayer Street: Have you found yourself wondering why the new inhabitant of 223 Thayer has taken an incomprehensibly long time to open? Don’t know what I’m talking about? Live under a rock? Upcoming vegan delicatessen blah-de-blah eatery By Chloe has been slotted to move into the address, but has taken a suspiciously long time to do so.
To both fill the over-priced food void in my stomach, as well as attempt to find reason in this bewildering situation, I have resorted to concocting my own perfectly reasonable reasons for why By Chloe is still not up and running.
- The structure is actually housing a collection of kunks that are being managed by administration. They will be released onto quads during campus tours to convince potential donors that the ‘smelly smell’ they smell is just skunks not that other ‘smelly smell.’
- By Chloe is serving as a cover for the initial construction site of a series of underground tunnels to be built throughout Brown’s campus. The sole purpose of these tunnels is to take the day-old coffee from Blue State to be repurposed at the Blue Room.
- Christina Paxson is using the space as a lair where she watches video footage of everything on Brown’s campus. Thought you picked your nose in the privacy of your room or a semi-hidden area of the quiet green? THINK AGAIN.
- By Chole is actually Providence’s hottest club: Bye Bye ABP. This place has everything: a magical blue bear equipped with its own disco ball, dancers dressed entirely in tinfoil, and spicy withs with double the ‘with’ (you read that right, DOUBLE the ‘with’).
- Due to the sinkage from the crushing weight of the SciLi, the land just can’t be built on right now! #brutal
- Durk’s, a meat-oriented establishment in stark opposition to By Chloe, has continually sabotaged the construction at every step of the way (i.e. pouring bacon grease on ladder steps, keeping work trucks from moving by clogging the gas pipes with sausages, distracting workers with the sweet, sweet smell of bacon, toying with By Chloe’s employees’ emotions by leaving rotisserie chickens in baby clothes on the doorstep, and attempting to fight By Chloe workers using sausage links as nunchucks).
- The Science Center axolotl sneaks out every night to ruin any progress made just so he can sit in his tank all day and laugh internally about his scheme.
- By Chloe is never coming because the construction is fake. It’s all just a performance art piece engineered by some crafty VISA kids to see when the Brown community finally gets fed up with waiting.
- Covfefe
- Maybe it’s just a lengthy construction project and it’s moving along as quickly as it can. But, probably not. Seems like far too fantastical of an explanation.
