I thought it would never happen to me. I’ve always been so careful, tirelessly testing my depth perception, begging friends to play catch to enhance my spatial awareness. Everybody would tell me I was being paranoid, and that I should learn to let go a little. I tried to relax. Butt–uh, excuse me. But then, it finally happened. My butt touched the shower wall. The greasy and grimy wall covered in hair and unknown substances. Now, my life is in shambles, and I’m in the market for a new butt.
Of course, it happened at the worst time: I was shaving my legs. Dorm showers don’t have a place to perch one’s leg whilst shaving, so it’s always a horrible balancing game. Additionally, the day before this atrocity took place was my leg day at the gym, so my quads and hammys were really feeling the pressure of standing on one foot. To top it all off, I didn’t have my contacts in, and I have the vision of a 90-year-old. I was shaving by touch alone.
One wrong micro-movement and BOOM. Butt, meet Wall.
Things haven’t been the same since my butt touched the shower wall. The comfy rolling chair I bought for my dorm room desk suddenly feels too fancy for my impure butt skin. I may have to revert to the used, dangerous, and impractical rocking chair with poor back support that came with my dorm.
I’ve been wearing my least favorite underwear as to not contaminate my three favorite pairs, all themed: one Spiderman, one Beauty & the Beast (animated, not the live action trash), and one Finding Dory with a waistband that says “DORY” like Calvin Klein undies. Funny, isn’t it, that Nemo touched the butt, and the shower wall touched mine.
In the era of fake Kardashian butts, I figure it will be easy to replace my butt. Or maybe just replace the skin that touched the shower wall? No, I’d better just get a whole new butt, in case the germs penetrated deeper than the surface layer. I’m sorry for using the word ‘penetrate,’ but the fact that I did relays my current emotional distress. So, if you or anyone you know is looking to give up their butt, please let me know.