Back to school–everyone’s favorite time of year! When students from 50 states and 102 countries once again gather in the cold and damp city of Providence, carrying an equally varied array of the winter flu. When your paper thin dorm walls echo with the bellowing of your neighbor’s coughing. When phlegm flies faster than you can say “override request.”
In order to help the hoards of students who may-or-may-not have COVID-19 (testing is so 2021, right girls?), nurses have been giving out free advice to students provided they call no fewer than three times and wait on hold for approximately 34 minutes. Although they certainly cannot allow you to schedule an appointment with a doctor, the nurses do want you to know that they have a totally-legitimate and definitely-helpful pamphlet to send you.
Here is a transcript taken from one student’s BWell portal:
“For thoſe whom the plague hath ſtricketh,
“Maketh a draught of elderberrie, the fruits to be harveſted by thine own hand,
Collect a prettie quantitie of lobſter ſhell, to be grounde into a fine duſt,
Add a unicorne’s horne, and mix thus in an abandoned ſoup container from Jo’s. Drinketh until empty.
At last, make ſure thou prays’t to the Lord to ſpare you from His peſtilence, which he hath ſent as puniſhment for thine ſins (yes Lindsay, He takes note every time you pet the cop dog).”
Following the release of this message, St Stephen’s church reported a stark uptick in attendance.
“We were really–achoo!–pleased to find the godless–ACHOO!–woke mob of Brown University has found its way back to God,” the pastor, maskless and dripping snot, reported to us.
As to whether or not this cure works, we still aren’t sure. Despite the packed pews at St. Stephen’s and empty lobster tanks at Hemmenways, it seems that few students have been able to find the necessary ingredients for the draught. One student, Ramona Corona, told us she was still looking for the unicorn horn.
“I mean, I found a birb last week, so this can’t be that hard, right?”