The Brown Investment Group, BIG, released a statement earlier this week to let everyone know that they’re definitely not compensating for anything. “I’m in BIG because I want to keep my generational wealth,” said Zark Muckerberg, “and it has nothing to do with the size of my penis. In fact, if my dick were as big as my investments, I don’t think anyone could handle that.” When asked further about his specific shares, Mucky replied, “If I keep putting my money in the right places, I’ll be able to put my money in the right places if you know what I mean.” We did not know what he meant. We didn’t have a chance to ask a follow-up question before Zark seemed to become possessed with the spirit of president elect Donald Trump. “My investments are huuge. Bigger than any other investments you’ve ever seen. Probably the biggest investments in America. Bigger than Biden, and I know that for a fact,” he monologued.
We asked another BIG guy, Steve Danoff-Taubman-Faunce, what he used his self-proclaimed “massive dividends” for. He replied, “I like to use the returns on my investments in Lockheed Martin to help others. Just last week I paid for my friend’s matcha at Ceremony, and I even let her spend extra on oat milk. Then, I invited her to see my swanky apartment at 257 Thayer. I definitely didn’t expect anything from her in return. I’m not like lonely and horny as fuck or anything. Remember when I said my dividends were massive? Yeah, let’s talk about that some more.” Steve D-T-F declined to comment when we asked him about his stance on “ethical and moral investing.”
Brian Moynihan Jr. shared a different reason for his investments. “I just hope my dad is happy to see my capital gains. He’s been putting a lot of pressure on me since I got caught cheating in APMA 1650, but maybe he’ll be proud of me when I show him my fiscal year earnings. I really look up to the guy, you know? He’s always in his tall office building instead of at home so I really have to crane my neck to see him.”
We weren’t quite convinced that BIG was actually not compensating for anything, so we asked for the input of a guy who revs his engines really loud on Thayer. “Yeah, those guys definitely have tiny dicks,” he responded.