It’s that time of year when YouTube gets flooded with those soul-crushing college decision reaction videos and college bookstores across the country see a sudden spike in sweatshirt and mug purchases. With the illustrious Ivy Day having just happened, it’s college decision season! As I think back on my college decision-making process, horrible memories suddenly come flashing back — changing my CommonApp prompt six times, frantically assembling my video portfolio in iMovie, and madly dashing to get my apps in. It was a frantic, stress-inducing time, which is so not me. I’m a very ‘self-care, put-myself-first’ kind of girl. Why would I put myself through something like that? And then I remember: my Instagram bio.
As a senior in high school, I couldn’t wait to change my Instagram bio from High School ’22 to College ’26. As someone who spent way too much time thinking about this topic, here’s my advice for the class of 2027 (which won’t include that one girl from TikTok, rest in peace!) for creating their Instagram bios.
- Brown ’27
Old. Boring. Tired. Flop. Irrelevant. You have never had a single original thought in your life and your Common App is probably a made-up story about how you sprained your ankle and had to miss your junior varsity b-team basketball game — on senior night, no less!
- brown ’27
You are so cool. The lowercase shows everybody that you’re chill like that — you treat your public like a finsta and can be seen lighting a cig on the Main Green between classes. Everybody wants to be you so bad and you’re definitely the main character. (“brown ’26” is definitely not my Instagram bio. I would never let my personal views interfere with my journalism.)
- Brown 27′
How have you made it this far in life without a basic knowledge of apostrophes? Whenever I see your bio, I want to punch drywall and utter a primal scream on the main green. You are the reason the Ratty ice cream machine doesn’t work and why they don’t have milkshakes at Jo’s.
- Brown University
Why are you being so formal? This isn’t LinkedIn! Next thing I know you’ll be DM-ing me about your summer internship and asking me to “connect”… chills…
- @brownu ’27
Why are you @ing the University? What purpose does it serve? Nonetheless, when I’m on your profile, I will, each time, without fail, click on the @brownu account and see what they’ve been posting even though I already follow it. Did you know that the Narragansett Creamery supplies 100% of the mozzarella cheese on Brown’s campus? I didn’t — that is, before I clicked on your bio!
- @brownu / Brown / brown
Hello??? Where’s your class year??? Stop pretending you’re not a first-year! How am I supposed to know it’s safe to follow you??? Will you even follow me back, you cold-hearted, mysterious demon???
- PVD
Who do you think you are? This is Rhode Island. Stop trying to NYC-ize this tiny town.
- Providence
JUST SAY YOU GO TO BROWN. You think you’re being mysterious but you told everybody and their mother that you were going to Brown the second you got accepted. Be honest with yourself and your followers.
- Rhode Island
Gretchen, stop trying to make Rhode Island happen, it’s not going to happen! You definitely are the #1 Rhode Island apologist in your friend group and your Pinterest is filled with “east coast summer aesthetic” boards and pictures of beaches that take a $7000 Zipcar to get to.
- Anything with the 🧸
You’re a person with taste and an eye for the finer things in life. Your friends would describe you as “sweet” and “kind,” and I would too, just based on your Instagram bio!
- 🐻
You have no taste whatsoever and are devoid of any sort of cultural sensitivity. There’s only two bear emojis, yet you somehow managed to choose the significantly worse one. You give off very agro, masculine energy, which I do not support in any way, shape, or form.
- No mention of Brown
You don’t depend on the validation of others. You definitely don’t check your reflection in the BioMed windows on your way to Andrews because you already know you look good. You’re unbothered, focused, in your lane, thriving. Rest in peace to the bitches dying to be you (read: me).