Everyone knows the Hawk Tuah girl. Blonde, loud, and with a reputation for spittin’ on that thang, she’s having her moment. Whether you love her, hate her, or just want her gone from your For You Page, it’s impossible to deny her influence. She’s like the world’s Sheep W. Ramston. (Block him when you get the chance. It will do wonders for your mental health and your Sidechat enjoyment will skyrocket.)
As a woman, I immediately defended her because she also is a woman. With no prior knowledge of her character or morals, I have jumped to her defense at a moment’s notice when I’ve heard people disparaging her. For instance, did you know that she had her grandma on the Talk Tuah podcast? Where some of you may see a simple cash grab, I see oral history, community archiving, and ancestral knowledge being undertaken by a bright young woman who, coincidentally, can also competently give it that hawk tuah.
Some people find her gross, to which I respond that there is nothing inherently sexual about the human body—and also shut up virgin, don’t come for her. I think she is America’s sweetheart, the voice of a generation, and I’m not afraid to talk (tuah) about it.
Just when I thought I couldn’t love her more, she recently came out as an ecoterrorist. For true fans of the podcast, this declaration came as no surprise. For the past few episodes, she’s been teasing about how she’s been reading a lot of Marx. “Das Kapital on that thang,” she said recently.
On Twitter, the Hawk Tuah girl confessed to followers: “Y’all, I’m wondering if due to the climate crisis, the means of production must be seized in order to save our environment. If the Unabomber were still alive, I’d give him that sloppy toppy fr.”
She doubled down on her ecoterrorist inclinations just last night on the Talk Tuah podcast. “The CEO of Exxon Mobil has two choices,” she said. “Stop killing the sea turtles or get your house blown up.” Though everyone knows her for blow jobs, she’s not afraid to blow shit up. As both a longtime fan of the Hawk Tuah Girl and a staunch leftist, let’s just say I love the direction she’s heading in.
But if you’re a fan and you’re looking for more ecoterrorist content from our fave, never fear: on the next episode of the Talk Tuah podcast, she’s going to host Greta Thunberg for a debate about whether the master’s tools can dismantle the master’s house. “So ready to school that Swedish bitch on the need for violent uprising,” she recently Tweeted.
And how could I forget: if you’re a Brown student, you’re in luck. Sunrise will be hosting her this Thursday at the Underground for a panel on fossil fuel dissociation. Be there, unless you hate women.