Julia Roberts (a different one, come on) called her mother yesterday with some exciting news.
“Mom, I think I’ve found him. I think I’ve found the one!” she was reported to say.
What behavior prompted this conclusion from 21 year old Ms. Roberts?
The night of October 16th she had been on a first date to get ice cream with a young Mr. John Kasich (also a different one, get your mind out of the gutter). Though a common occurrence for Roberts, this date revealed a truth that shook her world: she discovered that chivalry is not dead.
According to sources, during the date Kasich had revealed the answers to several mysteries of the universe to Roberts, starting with a full timeline of mankind. “There really just aren’t enough people out there talking about Genghis Khan,” he was reported to observe. He made a sudden though smooth transition into the rules of Dungeons and Dragons, only stopping once to double check the manual on his phone, lest he deliver the girl false information.
Roberts admits she did not prompt him on any of his monologue, though she was listening attentively (also while wondering how fast she would need to eat her ice cream in order to pass out). Still, she revealed that she was “pleasantly surprised” that he had guided her in the right direction. She remarked, “I guess I knew that oil was king, but because no one ever actually told me that I’ve sort of always wondered who king was… like oil was in the cards, but it was so nice of John to confirm it for me.”
However, things weren’t always smooth sailing during the date. Soon after finding a seat to enjoy their ice cream cones, Kasich received a phone call. Roberts insisted he take the call, though at press time confessed that it was at that moment that she wondered if chivalry was dead. Would a chivalrous man answer the phone? Roberts was unsure. After a brief exchange on the phone and a softly muttered “Love you too, Mom,” Kasich turned back to Roberts to resume going over the flaws of organized religion. According to sources, Roberts continued to smile and nod, but quickly tucked her Star of David necklace back into her sweater.
At the end of the date, the two parted ways—but the night was far from over. According to Roberts, Kasich sent an SMS message clarifying his intentions.
“Hey, I really enjoyed the conversation.
Not looking for anything serious
I mean
I definitely wanna make out
haha.”
Roberts was floored.
‘“For one tiny second when he picked up his phone during the date I was like, ‘huh, is chivalry dead? I just can’t tell!’ But then when I got that text afterwards I was like… omg. Chivalry ISN’T dead! He still doesn’t know anything about me, but maybe he’s saving all of his questions for our second date. He’s gonna teach me about fracking and then tell me about all the different kinds of symmetry there are in Moonrise Kingdom.”
At press time, Roberts was still unsure whether or not Kasich had ever gotten to finish his ice cream cone.