Dear Diary,
What the fuck is going on? Who. Is. Karlie. Kloss.
Ugh, this is a mess. The mortals worship her all of a sudden. Her face is everywhere. Her toothpick body is on the cover of every magazine. Nobody’s even talking about me anymore. Who does she think she is? I am a queen. I was born, full-grown, rising majestically out of a clamshell, hair fluttering in the wind like a fucking goddess. I am! I am a literal goddess.
… I guess I should have seen this coming.
Am I even beautiful anymore?
xo,
Aphrodite
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Diary,
I went to the gym today. A dingy, gross mortal gym full of skinny women on elliptical machines and large grunting males.
I ran for thirty minutes on the treadmill with my shorts riding up the whole time because of the ceaseless friction of my rubbing thighs. Apparently your thighs aren’t supposed to touch anymore. Don’t these women want potential suitors to know that their families have bountiful and prosperous harvests? I am at a loss as to how else they would communicate this, honestly.
After I ran on the treadmill I went to the mats to “do abs.” This is a phrase I overheard a woman in neon leggings say to her friend. I will investigate further and report back when I find out what it means.
xo,
Aphrodite
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Dear Diary,
Had lunch with Demeter today. She noticed that I only took a half-portion of ambrosia and got a side salad instead of fries, and she asked me if I was on a diet.
I told her I am trying to make healthy lifestyle choices. “Healthy lifestyle choices” is my new favorite phrase. That and “doing abs” (which, based on careful observation, I have come to conclude means lying down and then sitting up over and over again until you sweat, or until you decide to just stay lying down and check your phone instead).
I miss Marilyn, diary. She was one of ours.
xo,
Aphrodite
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Dear Diary,
Date with Ares is tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted.
xo,
Aphrodite
P.S. Who are the Kardashians? Will investigate further.
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Dear Diary,
The date with Ares went okay. I was feeling pretty self-conscious even though I’ve been doing A LOT of abs, but he said he likes “curvy women.”
So I guess I’m “curvy” now.
He wants to go out again, but I don’t think I’m interested. He was actually kind of a dick.
The Kardashians show promise—stay tuned.
xo,
Aphrodite
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Diary,
I was wrong about the Kardashians. I don’t think they’re going to work out after all.
But the good news is, butts are in now.
xo,
Aphrodite
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