Lately around campus, people have been annoying me more than usual. Too often I find myself walking somewhere and minding my own business, when suddenly someone comes up right behind me and tailgates me. It’s not like I can turn around and yell at someone because their footsteps are aggravating me. All I can do is be pissed off, and help educate the public. Thus, I present you with this breakdown of ways you can be an annoying walker. I hope that you’ll recognize your own shortcomings and fix your walking habits.
- The Bold Barreler
Our first type of annoying walker is completely fearless. The Bold Barreler comes up behind you, seemingly out of nowhere. They have no regard for your personal space, perhaps bumping your shoulder or hitting you with their bag. Heck, this walker might pummel right through you, leaving you on the pavement. The best strategy to fight against the Bold Barreler is to not engage. I repeat, do not engage with the Bold Barreler. You will get hurt.
Victim’s inner monologue: Why are you running? Is the world ending? Are you gonna hit me? Ow. You blew right through me. Ow.
- The Silent Scuffer
This type of walker is completely silent. Except, one or both of their shoes keep scuffing the ground, making that incessant crrrch noise. An easy way to combat this annoyingness is to listen to music so loudly that the sounds of the world fade into nothingness.
Victim’s inner monologue: Who taught you how to walk?! Didn’t they tell you to pick up your damn feet?!
- The Telephone Talker
This is a combination walker-talker. In addition to being a Silent Scuffer or Bold Barreler, this walker is also screaming on the phone to someone. Due to the fact that you can’t hear the other side of the conversation, you are constantly surprised by the sudden stopping and starting of the talker’s voice. The strategy of blaring music in headphones works best.
Victim’s inner monologue: When are they gonna start yelling on the phone? Oh, great, have a GREAT time at Sharon’s birthday party, I’m sure it’ll be a BLAST!
- The Destination-less Dick
For me, this is the most annoying walker. Usually, they start off as Bold Barrelers, but after they pass you, they forget where they’re going! How silly! They stop right in the middle of the sidewalk, maybe changing the song on their phone, looking for directions, contemplating their own annoyingness. You are forced to walk past them as they stand marveling at the world that they’re apparently seeing for the first time. After a bit, they transition into Bold Barrelers and blow past you again. And then they stop again. I don’t have a solution for this. You just have to keep moving, in awe of their stupidity, and hold back the urge to punch them in the face.
Victim’s inner monologue: You gonna pass me, huh? Fine! Go! Whatever. Bye. … UGH YOU’RE SO DUMB, MOVE. … There you go AGAIN!
I hope these descriptions have caused you to reevaluate your walking habits. Don’t be an annoying walker.