Pen15
I had my first boyfriend when I was 16. As a whole, our relationship was unhealthy and tumultuous but the first few weeks were so good and I was in love. We both were theater kids, “Whaaat. Annie’s Friend???? You ? A theater kid??? We thought your need to loudly overshare in situations where it’s neither wanted nor appropriate came from your parents saying you were special too often as a child. But THIS??” Guys I know, but let me tell you, it was both. So, being our thespian selves, we participated in our school’s preforming arts showcase. He acted in a short play that he wrote; I sang a dinky song that I did. This isn’t important to my sexual journey but I’m still a drama nerd at heart and will never give up a chance brag a little.
After finishing our acts, the director told us we didn’t have to stay until the end of the show. This was important because we didn’t get much alone time and since my parents were watching dutifully in the audience I was positive they’d be out of the house for the next 45 minutes. We bussed home nervous and excited, tracing circles in each other’s sweaty palms.
Upon arrival, we rushed to my room and started kissing on my childhood twin bed. We had grinded and groped, prodded and poked but pants and underwear had always stayed on. I wanted to go further. Not to mention that at this time I was so unsure of my worth I was convinced that if I didn’t lock it down now he would admit he made a mistake, break up with me, and I would die alone without anyone ever touching below my tit-high granny panties.
I wanted to act so grown up, communicate so well, do everything so perfectly. Looking back, I have only love for my 16 year old self who thought she could talk her way into the feeling of belonging. Imposter in the bedroom (or kitchen, or park, or airport bathroom) still comes up, even 5 years later. The only difference is that now I know that sex is messy and uncontrollable for everyone. That’s one of the reason’s it can be so special! When you have someone you like and trust and feel comfortable exploring with, it’s like improv!!! “Ooooh no. Is this bitch talking about improv now????” Can you just let me have this?
When he pulled it out I cackled uncontrollably. Thankfully, he had a huge pipe that I’m sure he was proud of because if he’d been insecure and I’d burst out laughing I’m sure the episode would be over here. Truly, I was just struck by the absurdity of it all: sex and bodies and how long I had imagined this moment that I was living. Luckily, he was so good about it. Kind and supportive and happy to have a silly, awkward, intimate experience with me. Sex, in my opinion, always should be.
Everything shared is 100% true with no exaggeration. Tune in next week for Ep. 6 pt 2 to see what Annie’s Friend does next.