Author’s note: Valentine’s Day is nigh and I’m reading this article. And I’m having a massive cheeseball moment, because I’m eating massive cheeseballs. And I’m also listening to myself eat massive cheeseballs, because that’s how loudly I chew.
So yeah. I’m pretty sure that my future spouse will leave me.
Also because I used the word “nigh.”
To my future divorce attorney,
I don’t know you yet. I don’t know how you feel about the tickle of frost on your face, or the smell of gardenia on a spring morn. I don’t know the name of your receptionist or which color of pen you favor. I don’t know where you are, or how much I’m paying you. I don’t even know what a divorce attorney does.
Do you divvy up household items? Since I’m a childless and unemployed New England college student who isn’t married and isn’t dating anyone, my comforter is the most valuable thing in my possession for a lot of reasons so that’s pretty much where my priorities are.
I don’t know how I found you. Perhaps I found you through a fellow divorcée, as my mother always told me that referrals are the best ways to find service providers. Or, perhaps I found you through the Better Business Bureau, because that’s how I found my high school senior pic photographer, and she did alright. I don’t know yet.
That’s the mystery of life.
I want to know. I want to know everything about you. I want to know how late I can call you when I realize I forgot to tell you that my possession of the novelty straw dispenser is totally non-negotiable.
What I do know is that I will support you as a client. As someone who clearly knows nothing about law, I will make you feel so good at law.
For now, get out there and live, Attorney. Make mistakes and love with your whole heart and learn with your whole being.
(Especially in law school, because I’m really gonna need you to bring your A-game.)
I’m so excited, Attorney. I’m so excited for the consultations, for your patience when I “just need a second” every thirty seconds, for the late-night phone calls that you tell me “absolutely need to stop” (it’s just that I also remembered the vases, and I want those too).
Thank you for your time and care. My soon-to-be-ex-husband George Clooney and I really appreciate it.
Oh and also I want the fiestaware.
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