Hey Mom,
I know it’s been a while since I last called you, so I figured I would write you a letter on a public website that anyone can access, and which comes up when you Google my name—how intimate! Anyway, college is really fun. So fun, that maybe I’ve forgone caution and have made some rash decisions.
Woah, cliffhanger alert. I’m not pregnant, if that’s what you were thinking. But, I am having a child… of sorts. Let me explain.
Remember my friend you think I’m dating? Let’s call him Alex—because that’s his name. Well, we’re not dating, I promise. But… life gets complicated sometimes, you know? Things are said at 1 a.m., and, suddenly, before you know it, you’re adopting a neotenic amphibian together.
Let me reiterate this. We are not dating. We’re just going to be co-parents to our darling baby axolotl, Adonis, for the next 10 to 15 years. Yes, I am making over a decade long commitment with a boy that I’ve known for a whopping 7 months. I know that sounds crazy and impulsive, but it just feels right. And it’s platonic, I swear.
Yes, it’s true, mom. Alex and I are tagged in a lot of Facebook pictures together, but that doesn’t mean we’re dating. And we’re about to be tagged in exponentially more pictures together, along with our newly adopted salamander child.
I get it if you don’t understand our platonic parenting relationship, but traditional parenting is a thing of the past. Monogamy is becoming passé, and we’re experimenting with a progressive parenting relationship based on friendship alone. I think as platonic friends we can give our axolotl a very stable upbringing that can exist outside of the stress of romantic relationships.
This could be a wonderful opportunity to prove my responsibility. I have no experience caring for amphibians, or really any living creature beside myself. (Full disclosure, based on the severe hangover I had on Sunday morning, I’m not great at taking care of myself, either. Sorry.) But adopting this axolotl will be a turning point for me! I’ll prove myself! I’ll make you a proud grandmother to this young albino salamander! I’m sorry for calling you a grandmother! You’re still young, Mom! I love you!
Anyway, I hope you will support me in this new and exciting chapter in my life. Monetary support is highly encouraged, also. Please send me cash. I really need cash. Oh, and also I love you, Mom!
Love,
Allie
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