Dear Pumpkin-Praising Public,
You betrayed me. I once sat on the throne of spiced autumnal confections, and now it seems I have been relegated to nothing more than a side to your broccoli and cheddar soup at Panera. And what have I been replaced with? Some pumpkin mush, cinnamon and flour thrown together and tossed in the oven — as if nothing is sacred!
Each and every one of you who blindly worships the pumpkin disgust me. Did the valiant tale of Johnny Appleseed fade from your minds? Did the espresso fumes cloud your desire for a warm slice of apple pie on an October day? Have you no taste for variety? The regal Gala, the timeless Granny Smith, and let us not forget the miracle of modern science that is the Honeycrisp! (Except for Red Delicious. Nobody actually likes him.)
And you can bet your overpriced pumpkin muffin that I know the biggest culprit behind my downfall: that godforsaken pumpkin spice latte. Especially you sick people trying to make #PSL happen. What about a piping hot mug of spiced cider? Hard cider, even! Do you not believe in comfort? You smug pumpkin sympathizers think you’re so great with your seasonal pumpkin brews. Well, guess what, folks? While your beloved gourds wither in any temperature above 70 degrees, I’ll be cozy in the hands of some successful young professionals blowing off some steam after a long day. You know, people with actual jobs and stuff.
Perhaps you like the creative and whimsical side of pumpkins — carving, painting, what have you. First of all, I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but it’s definitely no coincidence that pumpkins require dangerously sharp knives to be carved. Why is the Big Pumpkin industry hiding our jack-o-lantern injury statistics? Wake up, America! And as for decorating, maybe pumpkins wouldn’t need to be slathered with acrylic paint if they were something other than ugly orange lumps in the first place. Yeah, I said it.
Let us also not forget the steady and shameful decline in apple-picking. Elementary school field trips to the orchard of yesteryear have been replaced with Instagrams from teenage girls — with bad filters, mind you! Besides, have you actually been to a pumpkin patch? The pumpkins are literally on the ground. Remember, your mom always told you not to eat food off the ground. Tell me, who do you love more: pumpkins or your mother?
You know what, fine. Go sip the foam off your lattes and carve Bob’s Burgers characters into rotting squash for your Halloween display. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen of someone who actually cares.
I hate you all,
The Apple