There’s this app I use to stay up to date on everything that’s happening at Brown. It’s my Lady Whistledown, Gossip Girl, and A from Pretty Little Liars all wound up into one beautiful, smiling pink square on my homescreen. It’s pretty esoteric, and you probably don’t know it. It’s very underground… Sidechat? Yeah, you probably haven’t heard of it.
Sidechat is normally used for a vast cornucopia of things. It’s a chaotic cesspool that represents the very best and very worst of what Brown has to offer. From relatable content about slow walkers on the Main Green to freshmen asking “what’s the move tn” every weekend, it keeps our campus connected. It’s like Twitter for Brown, but with even more lying (no, the NDR is NOT happening tonight) and mayhem.
Anyway, if you go to the bottom of the homescreen on Sidechat, and click away from the home icon and on the airplane instead, there’s this section called the chat board, which is basically like Craigslist, but for sex. See:
Being the brave investigative journalist I am, I decided to do an exposé of people who solicit sex from Sidechat. I know — you’re welcome. Not all heroes wear capes.
I messaged 20 people on the Brown chatboard, 15 of whom responded. Of the 15 people I talked to, only 1 said they’d had a successful tryst with someone from Sidechat, while 13 people reported no luck, and 1 person responded with an ambiguous emoji (👽???). What part of Pornhub did this come from? Stay tuned for my next exposé.
Throughout my investigation, I kept it more professional than a suit-wearing high school MUN kid at Brown for the weekend.
Yet, despite my commitment to professionalism, people tried to distract me from my mission.
I made it clear that I was here only for research purposes:
Yet, despite my emphasis on objectivity, they persisted:
But nobody could distract me from my mission:
I also made sure to keep my identity as a member of the illustrious Rib under wraps… I didn’t want our good name getting associated with this salacious situation. The Rib controls its OWN narrative on horniness. Instead of mentioning The Rib, I said I was part of “a Brown publication” or “a university publication.”
And honestly? The anonymity and drama of it all started getting to my head a little bit… I almost started feeling… horny? As my tender, delicate, feminine fingertips grazed the rock hard surface of my iPhone, the dim glow of my screen softly illuminating my sensuous features, I started to understand why this app might make a girl feel some type of way…
Sorry, back to the investigation.
Though the vast majority of respondents had not successfully had a Sidechat link, there was one success story:
However, due to this source’s lack of response, we’ll never know the details of the one successful Sidechat link in the history of the universe.
Additionally, being a member of the Rib, I appreciate a good giggle. And there were some jokesters!
These responses warranted a very professional “lol” or “lmao” from me.
To conclude, Tinder better watch out. There’s a new dating app in town, and it’s anonymous, sexy, and chatting on all sides. One day, thousands of years in the future, there will be hordes of legacy kids getting into Brown saying their parents met on an app called Sidechat that used to be big back in the day.
Meanwhile, this investigative journalist will be fighting the feminine urge to convince a Comp -Sci major to hack into Sidechat and leak all of our emails, for the bit. We here at The Rib love a good bit.