Dear Providence Drivers,
I think, based on an entirely unfounded assumption I’m making right now, that I represent the entire Brown University community when I say, I’m so, so sorry. I acknowledge that we’re responsible for considerable ruckus in your neighborhoods: we inundate the city with absurd demand for such ridiculous goods as ‘avocado toast’ and ‘local brewed IPA’s,’ we are the reason for those electric bikes fucking everywhere, and we substantially overwhelm the hospitals in late April (although, this year should be better since we were reminded that “During Spring Weekend, the legal drinking age is still 21 years old”). I mean, thank God they told us, since we obviously just assumed that the laws changed that weekend (or that laws just don’t apply to our elite lil selves!). But, I’m not here to apologize for any of that. I want to say sorry for our egregious jaywalking.
We see you trying to make your way somewhere, but our self-important selves think our issues that stem from not properly allocating our time are more pressing than wherever it is you’re going. We never stop crossing at crosswalks, knowing full well that we have the right of way and there’s nothing you can do about it. I’m sure you’re all too familiar with this cluster-fuck of a crosswalk that can add 10+ minutes to your commute:
Would it kill us to wait 30 seconds to save 10 minutes for you? Evidently yes.
We make direct eye contact with you as we strut our stuff across the street, almost daring you to hit us. In fact, probably actively daring you to hit us—that’d be the ticket to free tuition, right?! Perhaps, but it wouldn’t leave you all very well off, again exemplifying our shame(less?)fully selfish nature.
I know this may not be the resolution you all want, but I’ll be honest with you: I and the rest of the Brown University community will likely not stop this behavior. But we will feel a little pang of guilt as we do it, and that’s a lot for a bunch of self-absorbed gen z’ers!
Respectfully,
Suzanne