When walking on the sidewalk, it is general courtesy to smile or nod at your accompanying passerby in acknowledgement. I engage in these actions under all conditions except for one — you are walking a dog, in which case I am going to direct all of my emotions to your wonderful dog instead of you.
First and foremost, I want to apologize for this behavior. Although you are performing a noble public service by trotting your perfect pup around the block, you do not deserve to be treated as a mere object that transports the dog. I imagine it is awkward and dehumanizing to have someone choose an animal incapable of rational thought over you. In fact, you made the rational decision to take your dog for a walk in the first place, and for that I can never stop thanking you.
You are likely a much better conversationalist than your dog is, who sadly can not respond to exclamations such as, “Oh man you are the best dog ever!” and “Who’s the puppiest puppy? You are!” I also immensely respect your commitment to the art of dog-walking, from picking up poop to maneuvering your stubborn dog in and out of those little snowboots. Which, by the way, are the cutest things in the entire universe.
Furthermore, I am also sorry for inquiring about your dog’s past more than I do yours. Like Fido here, you probably also have a name, age, and a repertoire of silly tricks. I will be sure to ask about these the next time I encounter you.
But let’s be honest: You have a dog, and that dog is much more important than anything we pathetic humans represent. I do not own a dog myself — I’m unfortunately allergic, which is just more of a reason to let me see your dog — but if I did, I would not be upset if you picked my dog over me. Most dogs are cooler than me. Most dogs are cooler than everyone!
Golden retriever? Perfect. Corgi? I will probably cry. Chihuahua? Not my favorite, but I’ll still give the little guy some love!
Anyway, I digress. You are a person, a unique individual, and you deserve just as much appreciation as your dog! On the next occasion I see you out with your dog, I will shriek, squeal and/or flail at your presence instead of your dog’s. Maybe the dog will join in the celebration as well! Picture it now: the two of us screaming at you in the middle of the neighborhood on a breezy spring day. Doesn’t that sound nice? Also, did you know that your dog is the best?
I sincerely hope you can accept this apology, as I do not seek to foster ill will. I want nothing more than to maintain a healthy, transparent camaraderie with my considerate peers.
Unless you are walking five or more dogs at once, in which case you are taunting me with utter perfection and do not ever deserve my apologies.
Image via.