“Dude, you know you swallow 8 spiders in your sleep during your lifetime.”
“What? I don’t know if that’s true ‘cause — ”
“It’s 100% proven science. I read it on a Snapple cap.”
We’ve all participated in this exchange. Maybe you were the informer, maybe you were the informed, but either way, these are the facts. Skeptics may say, “Where is the proof? Who was following another person around throughout their whole life chronicling their spider intake? Did they account for variables? What if you die young? What if you never sleep with your mouth open? What if you live in a spider-less region of the world? Does that region exist? How can I find it?”
Here at The Rib, we think the truth is important, so we looked into this theory and discovered that it is 10000% true. Even more shocking was our discovery of all the other stuff that winds up in your body while you sleep! For example:
Every 6 months, the family from Cheaper by the Dozen (the remake) immigrates to your belly button. Don’t worry, you won’t feel it; they are surprisingly quiet and respectful.
At least twice in your lifetime, the mechanical shark from Jaws will reside in your eye moisture. Occasionally you will begin to cry and blame it on PMS, but then you will remember that the shark in Jaws becomes more active during certain moon phases.
Every four years, a new class of RISD students will begin a workshop inside your ear canal. You really won’t feel it, but know that they’ve set up easels and they will be working well into the night. Fear not — they will move on after four years (unless they’re dual degree students, in which case, plan on two more semesters).
Scientists are not sure of the frequency, but at some point, somewhere between two and thirty elephants will crawl up your anus. We don’t know how, we don’t know why, but ever since they were banned from circuses, they’ve had a lot of free time.
Exactly once every 2,4601 hours, the Original Broadway Cast of Les Miserables will march with a flag through your prefrontal cortex. If you have “One Day More” stuck in your head, this is why.
At some point in your tween years, Shia LaBeouf will set up shop in your body. We’re not really sure where, but he’s for sure in there.
Finally, a black widow will crawl into your mouth around three times a year. Oh, did I say a black widow? I meant the Black Widow from The Avengers. She is super crafty and will just chill behind your molars right where your wisdom teeth used to be.
Clearly there is still more research to be done. Scientists are currently trying to figure out how many humans spiders swallow while they sleep. We won’t know the truth until it’s written on a Snapple cap.
All images via Annie Warner.