I wish Carrie Bradshaw and Imelda Marcos had known each other. I’ve envisioned a blooming friendship between the fictional star of Sex and the City and the widow of former Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos. Carrie & Immy — BFFLs.
Why, might you ask, have I pondered so deeply and hoped so endlessly for some fateful bond between these two women?
S.H.O.E.S.
Carrie and Immy loved, and I mean LOVED, shoes. Is it outlandish that Marcos owned over 1,200 pairs? Perhaps. Is it crazy that Bradshaw once said, “I’ve spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live!”? Yeah, I’d say so. But, as the eloquent Forrest Gump once told us, “Mama always said you could tell an awful lot about a person by the kind of shoes they wear.” And my oh my, is Forrest spot on.
Call me materialistic. Call me obsessed. Call me whatever you wish, but my burning love for shoes will never dwindle. Without hesitation, shoes sit atop the clothing-accessory pyramid. They are the stabilizing and defining force of “the daily outfit.” As I grumpily roll out of bed each morning, the undecided pair of shoes to finalize my outfit is the light at the end of the tunnel: the reason I can part from my beloved duvet and face the day with a (semi) grin.
This morning, I was unable to choose the right pair. I felt incapacitated, like each pair of shoes was staring at me with laser beam eyes in an effort to appear the most worthy of wearing. What was I to do? Luckily, upon noticing how flustered and indecisive I was, the shoes took charge. First, they self-eliminated (surprisingly graciously!) until only my five most frequently worn pairs remained. Then, the personal statements began.
PAIR I: The hipster-grunge boot: “Let’s cut to the chase here. You undoubtedly wear us more than any other pair of shoes you own, which means that you probably want to wear us today because we’re well aged, we’re unbelievably comfortable, and you’ll love your morning walk from John Street to Pembroke. We’re your go-to shoes – you wear us in summer with jean shorts and in fall with tights and a dress. You’ve even worn us in the rain and snow. We have character and longevity. We make you feel at home but also semi-trendy and hip. What’s a better combination than that?”
PAIR II: The running shoe: “We know we aren’t the most obvious choice. We know we really only match with a workout outfit. But what you don’t know is just how good that workout outfit can be. Most obviously, you’re going to wear workout clothes because you want to work out, duh! But workout clothes serve other amazingly sneaky purposes. You wake up late and don’t have time for a shower? Throw your hair in high ponytail braid a-la Anna Kournikova, put on some workout leggings and a cute oversized t-shirt, and finish it off with us – your trusty running shoes. It’s that time of month and the thought of wearing a bra makes you cringe? Boom. Workout clothes. Opt for the neon sports bra and running shorts and we’ll tie the outfit together beautifully.
PAIR III: The heeled boot: “Yes, we know we resemble Pair I. You might be thinking, ‘a lace-up boot is a lace-up boot, so why not choose the flat one?’ You know why? Because we definitely get the cool points. We give you that kind-of-edgy, kind-of-badass, kind-of-hot look you’ve never really been able to pull off. (We’re all about honesty, too). We can be casual and you can wear us out on the town. Sure, we gave you a blister that first weekend out and we are truly sorry. But now we’ve formed to your blister-free feet and are ready to help you strut around campus like you own the place.”
PAIR IV: The rose-gold sandal: “Let’s be honest, you love us SO much. And, today might very well be the last day you can pull of sandals until April or (gasp!) May. Really, we aren’t kidding. We have warranted you more compliments than you’re even used to, from men and women, young and old, and everyone in between. You know our dirty secret? Everybody – not just babies – loves shiny things. We seamlessly tie spunk and class together, so people will think you’re fun but not sloppy-fun. And yes, that distinction is an important one when you have to exit this Brown bubble and become a full-functioning human.”
PAIR V: The flowered Toms: “Yeah, yeah, most people own Toms. We know we aren’t the most original choice. But most people don’t own Toms with flowers. That’s where we’re special. We make you (twenty-two), flirty and thriving! You’re hung-over and stressed as f*** writing a 10- page paper that’s due in 6 hours? Throw us on and you’ll feel like a million bucks. (Okay, maybe more like $5.00 but that’s better than nothing.) And, best of all, everyone will know you’re an AWESOME person because there’s a needy child somewhere in the world donning flowers on their feet too!
So, which pair won? Which persona did I choose? Well, I can’t tell you that. I can’t let you think that my daily attitude is dictated by what’s on my feet! Now THAT’S crazy.