Mass groups of girls dressed in short skirts and Disney princess costumes, squads of “cool kids” sporting emo black and bat wings, athletes looking more bro-ey than usual–you’ve seen them all. It’s that time of year for the dreaded group Halloween costume. Ideally, they’re great. But in reality, they must be planned with caution, as the fate of your social circle hangs in the balance.
How does one come to be in a group costume? Well, it can be quite tricky. First, you’ll want to find the right sized group of people–not so many that it’s culty, but not too few that it’s lame. Pluck people from your intersecting web of complicated friend groups, the seemingly antisocial neighbors in your dorm, or the random classmates you sit next to every day in lecture (whose names you still don’t know). But please make sure to account for the ones who will agree to join the group, but will end up flaking at the last minute to do a cutesy couples costume with their current situationship.
After you’ve assembled your squad, take a mass trip to Spirit Halloween at Providence Place Mall. You’ll be in an overwhelming space with impatient cashiers and jump-scaring skeletons: ideal for group bonding. There are hundreds of costume choices, so many that you will ultimately become more stressed out than when you first arrived. Not to mention that every single person in your group will have a different costume suggestion, thus creating the perfect ground for petty conflict in a public place, like you’re The Real Housewives (hey, there’s an idea!)
After an hour or so, chances are you’ll need a break. Likely, you’ll blow your money on Auntie Anne’s pretzel nuggets and overpriced H&M pants. Feel free to wander around the food court and wonder, “why does this food look less appetizing than Ratty food?” With a clear head, return to the Halloween store, and spend yet another aimless chunk of time getting frustrated with the endless aisles of expensive inflatable dinosaur suits and bunny ears.
Worst comes to worst, you may also ally yourself with one another person in your group as a backup plan in case your group (inevitably) falls apart. Pick up a pair of devil/angel headbands in case of this specific Halloween emergency. At this point, the group has either collectively settled on a cheesy costume (such as sexy vampires, farmers and farm animals, or zombie athletes), or has catastrophically disbanded. Maybe, if you all start talking about it RIGHT NOW, you can get it together in time for next Halloween. Or not. Keep the devil/angel headbands just in case.
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