So, you got to campus and realized that walking around by yourself at night may not be the best idea. Great, what do you do now? Luckily for you, SABRE, Vexor, Guard Dog, SABRE, and SABRE have created the perfect portable solution, packaged in unreasonably-difficult-to-open plastic [Warning: cutting yourself on sharp scissor-cut plastic is 100x worse than a paper cut].
You can choose from a normal color that probably matches your outfits, or, you can pick a fun, clashing color like neon blue. Who doesn’t want something that’s neon blue always on their person? OK, don’t answer that — we all already know the answer.
We digress. Here are some customer testimonials in case you don’t believe us. All will be anonymous for the purposes of this ad, because their pepper spray created so much percussion music we could hardly hear them. Guess that’s another pro as well. If you’re an aspiring percussionist or just want to get your groove on, a pepper spray keychain will instantly boost you to drummer-girl status. These testimonials should give you the general ~vibe~ of our product, as people definitely don’t want to spread false information associated with their name.
“My SABRE gives me a fun new way to accessorize my otherwise all-black outfits.”
“I picked neon blue, and don’t ask me why. To be fair, I decided to paint my room neon green as a ten-year-old, so I guess some things never change. With this big-girl purchase, I am re-activating my childhood. That’s refreshing.”
“With my SABRE, I almost feel better going outside by myself; my mom’s nervous calls just win the argument, but only just.”
“I only purchased my SABRE because Jeff Bezos couldn’t ship it to my house due to package safety issues, but apparently it was completely fine to deliver it to a place with about 7,000 young people and no parental supervision. Seemed like a once in a lifetime but-the-once-actually-lasts-four-years opportunity.”
“My SABRE allows me to feel safe walking to my 7AM Physics of Biological Physics of Organic Chemistry II class (BIOCHEMPHYS 12000) and my 9PM class on Constellations and The Sky: Learning to Fly (ASTRO 2018).”
“My keychain just looks so much cooler.”
There you have it, folks. A multipurpose purchase that hopefully makes you feel a little safer.
DISCLAIMER: SABRE is not responsible for any astronomical increases or decreases in fashion sense due to the use of this product, nor for any difficulties in ninja operations that require silence. Read and follow all instructions for appropriate use. DO NOT drink, but if you do, drink responsibly (but don’t).
Others who viewed this product also viewed:
– A telephone from any century (conch shells will work if you have the sea on speed dial) to ask for a walking buddy or have someone on the line during your 5-15 minute pedestrian journey.
– Universal respect for all people and their safety (TEMPORARILY OUT OF STOCK)
