Speaking as someone whose self-worth is solely determined by my ability to impress others with a witty and timely Halloween costume, October 31, 2014 is going to be a pitiful night. Honestly, what happened this year?
Beyonce and Jay-Z almost got divorced. Pharrell wore that hat and had that song on the radio. Ariana Grande.
“But there are some great movies and television shows that came out this year!” you say in the shrill, repulsive voice of someone probably wearing a devil costume for the third year in a row. What am I going to be, Ben Affleck from Gone Girl? The kid from Boyhood? A man in boring clothes dressed as his pathetic self?
Who the hell do you think I am?
I’m the Herald of Halloween, the Prince of Pop Culture, the Duke of Doing October Right. I ordered cowboy boots and a blonde wig a second after Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift. Last year, I almost got arrested in my Walter White costume. When Mitt Romney had binders full of women, I had binders full of costumes related to the 2012 election. You probably think I had a pretty creative binder costume, right? Wrong. I was Paul Ryan in workout clothes from his unforgettable Time Magazine photoshoot.
This isn’t a game. It’s a lifestyle. And even if 2014’s disgrace of a year is throwing a monkey wrench at me, don’t forget that I’m still going to find a way to do it better than every single one of you.
Aw, you’re dressing up as Ron Burgundy this year? How adorably 2004 of you. What’s the plan for next year, pal, Zoolander? Just because this year wasn’t culturally fruitful doesn’t mean you have the right to embarrass the rest of us with an outdated costume. This Halloween, do us all a favor by staying in with a Judd Apatow DVD and candy for drooling trick-or-treaters instead of showing your sorry face around these parts.
Sadly, some of you hopeless fiends think you can still whip some shred of a costume together with your roommate’s dirty laundry. Even more of you will approach me with your so-called trendy and innovative suggestions. What do I look like a, Pinterest board (which, by the way, I wore as a costume last year)? Those of you who think your DIY Orange is the New Black costumes are the most clever get-ups this side of Netflix clearly forgot that I dressed as a prison guard last year — you know, back when it was relevant. By the way, those handcuffs were real.
And don’t even think about saying the f-word: Frozen. Little girls around America — nay, the entire sequin-clad world — beat me to that months ago. Do you really think I’m here to copy a bunch of children?
I’m in it to win it.
So, while the rest of you are harassing underpaid workers for the last pair of moldy cat ears at your local party store, I’ll be gluing my corneas to Twitter, eagerly awaiting the next culture-shaking event. With actual glue. When you breathe, sweat, and bleed Halloween superiority, there’s no time for mercy.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some Shia LaBeouf articles to peruse.
Image via, via.