Let’s face it, it’s been a tough year. While it still has a few months to go, 2014 has already had its share of drama. America is fighting yet another war overseas, global warming is running unchecked, and the Gaza Strip is once again inflamed with violence. What will this year – in all its eventfulness – be remembered for? War? Environmental crises? Ariana Grande’s shrill voice? How 2014 will go down in the annals of history, I cannot say, but as far as I’m concerned, 2014 has been the year of Booty (with a capital B). There has been a tremendous swell of cultural support for the fat-bottomed girls of the world and – luckily for us – this social movement has been clearly echoed in the music of this year. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, when the people of the future look back on this tremendous year, I know there is one thing that they will universally recall – the ballads of booty, the hymns about lady humps, the songs that our generation will twerk to for years to come. In the midst of 2014’s calamities, what better to focus our attention on than butts (and that, my friends, is called escapism). In honor of this remarkable societal trend, I have organized a list of this year’s butt songs, ranked from just okay to awesome.
- All About That Bass – Meghan Trainor
This song isn’t explicitly about booty, but it does offer tribute to today’s curvy girls, and for that it makes the list. However, it is not an appropriate song to really get down to, nor does it do booty the lyrical justice it deserves. Trainor includes a line or two – “I’m bringing booty back, go ahead and tell them skinny bitches” – but it is not the satisfactory tribute to ass that we are all looking for in a song nowadays. Due to the lack of a real beat you can twerk to, and lyrics that feel a little bland, Trainor finds herself at the bottom of this list. But thanks for the empowering message anyway!
- Booty – Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea
The only reason this song is above the previous on our list is because it is very explicitly about Jennifer Lopez’s rump. However, this song just doesn’t do it for me. There was a shot for redemption in the music video, but even that disappointed. Ass against white background, with lighting from above? Meh. I’m underwhelmed. Simultaneously, I’m a little overwhelmed. The sheer amount of ass close-ups in a 5 second clip makes Anaconda’s video look like an episode of Sesame Street. [Ed.: Are we thinking of the same Sesame Street?] JLo isn’t even singing the majority of the song. All the “big big booty, what you got a big booty” is definitely someone else. The lyrics are tremendously disappointing as well. She makes the whole song about how her butt is appealing to some guy in a club. So what? My ass is appealing to me and I would just love to hear a song about how much a woman enjoys her own butt. That has merit too. Overall, thumbs down for this tune, and two thumbs down for the video.
- Wiggle – Jason Derulo and Snoop Dogg
Finally, an excellent song to get down to. Honestly, the number one spot was a tossup, just because I am so married to the lyrics in this song. “Your booty like two planets,” Jason croons. What raw emotion. “You know what to do with that big fat butt – wiggle wiggle wiggle,” he tells us. What poetry. The beat of this song is great, the video is fun, and the lyrics speak straight to my soul. The biggest reason this song isn’t number one on my list is because the top spot was well deserved by another jam (and also Snoop Dogg is incredibly creepy in the video).
- Anaconda – Nicki Minaj
Okay. This is a great song. Sampling Baby Got Back, the pioneer of butt songs? Genius. The song was made to dance to. Put it on at any party and the room will go wild. Not to mention the video. Nicki gives a very confused, very overwhelmed-looking Drake a lap dance at the end. It’s priceless. The song’s fun, great to dance to, and ends with these lines:
“Yeah, he love this fat ass
Yeah, this one is for my bitches with a fat ass in the fucking club
I said, where my fat ass big bitches in the club?
Fuck those skinny bitches, fuck those skinny bitches in the club
I wanna see all the big fat ass bitches in the motherfucking club
Fuck you if you skinny bitches WHAT?
I got a big fat ass.”
I’ll just leave you with that.
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