Dear Tom Holland,
You don’t know me, but I know you, or at least the “you” you present to the public. Back when I was a measly tenth grader – riddled with self-doubt and crushed by the weight of promise – I stumbled across your name on the interweb…Tom Holland. Spider-Man: Far From Home was just about to be released, you had not yet snatched up Zendaya as your own little prize, and Covid was just a twinkle in the eye of an ambitious scientist. You remember those days? 2019, when the sun shone every day and the phrase “flatten the curve” was only ever used between architects building new performing arts buildings atop a hill in Providence, RI. Well, anyway, you might be wondering why on earth a twenty-year-old college student is writing to you via a comedy publication, and I’m here to answer that question. Hi, my name is Lulu Levy, and I have a proposition for you; one that you won’t be able to turn down.
You and I both know that Zendaya is a wonderful and talented woman. She embodies the meaning of celebrity and can hardly be defined by the confines of the Industry. She is, simply put, too good for you and it makes you look bad. But, never fear, there is a solution to your problem. Might I suggest my services as “Homely Younger Girlfriend”. I can provide you with so much more comparative clout that your status in Hollywood will go from “that kid who plays Spider-Man and dates Zendaya, the All Powerful,” to “Tom Holland, actor with a significantly less interesting girlfriend!” Doesn’t that sound nice? If you are still unconvinced, allow me to expand on the service I provide.
- You are five feet and eight inches tall, while Zendaya is five feet and ten inches tall. That’s a problem because it emasculates you in the eyes of the public. Therefore, I, a five foot two-and-a-half inch girl could make you look six feet tall, which is every man’s dream (right?). We could stroll through the streets of London where you can help me pick fruit from the trees I cannot reach and you can wear a sweater that says “I’m with this Elf” every time we’re in public. That’s guarantee number one.
- The next is that I am nowhere near as beautiful as Zendaya. I have a vaguely inbred look that no one outside the Jewish community is allowed to remark on lest they want to be labeled an antisemite. I could stand next to you on the red carpet and elevate any look your stylist chooses by wearing an outfit that compliments my looks, such as a black smock and a full face mask. This would further emphasize your good looks by having someone significantly less attractive than you by your side.
- Finally, we all know that in order to be a real actor in Hollywood, you need to date a younger woman. DiCaprio does it, they all do it. It’s just a fact. I don’t care if you are known colloquially as “Hollywood’s Hotshot,” or that you were IMDB’s number one actor for several weeks or whatever. In order to be taken seriously in the Industry, you need to date someone several years younger than you. I checked and Zendaya doesn’t fit that bill by being a staggering three months younger than you (what is this? High school?). I, however, am six years, three months and nine days younger than you which is just enough to be considered weird – since I am freshly not a teenager and you will be 27 in a month – but not enough to get you canceled.
See, Tom, this is an offer you cannot refuse. I am the perfect fit for you to boost your career. I am your dream woman. I am not writing this out of desperation because no one on this 7,000 person campus will date me, but rather out of the goodness of my heart and my philanthropic nature. I know this will be a lot to discuss with your current girlfriend, but just know that I will wait as long as it takes.
With love and constant devotion,
Lulu