by Sarah Master
To the boy who broke up with my best friend –
Hey dude! It’s been a while! How’s school? Do you have any impending exams? I know what you’re thinking – I don’t have any reason to be friendly to you, so why am I being so nice? Well, the short answer is that I like to live by a certain motto – “forgive and forget.” I’m sure you’ve heard it before, that is, if you’ve ever removed your head from your asshole long enough to listen to anybody. The long answer is a complicated one. Though it might be a little tough for you to comprehend – what with how little you actually understand about other people’s feelings – I’m going to try my best to lay it out for you.
Truth is, I feel bad for you, you oversized corduroy pant-wearing, mildly sweaty angel. And I’m going to offer you some advice.
First of all, if you ever get another girlfriend (doubtful), it’s generally good practice to talk to that girlfriend. You can text, call, skype, or even speak face-to-face. Whatever you prefer, do that. And actually stick with it. For example, if your girlfriend’s grandfather is sick and she has a huge project deadline approaching, it isn’t traditional boyfriend behavior to drop off the face of the Earth for three days. In fact, the standard approach is actually to communicate with your girlfriend every day, especially if she’s under a lot of stress and needs someone to talk to about it. Instead, I’m the only one delivering nutella and putting on an episode of Broad City when she’s upset. This is normal supportive behavior.
A second bit of advice – drop the corduroys. Seriously. A pair of jeans should suffice to replace them.
Third, you are an idiot. Is that advice or just a fact? I suppose it’s the latter. I’m not sure what may have led you to break up with the best girl you’re ever going to get – perhaps you had an accident and lost a lot of brain cells. The jury is still out. But I do know that my best friend is hot like fire and brilliant like a damn light bulb.
YOU ARE SO DUMB. YOU ARE REALLY DUMB. FOR REAL.
She is bright like a freaking comet and you are the human equivalent of elephant poop! You are what would happen if someone tried to make a handbag out of diapers. You probably love the part in the Lion King when Simba’s dad dies, and you probably saw Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and LOVED it. My friend is a sparkling sunflower (but with cooler hair and the ability to code) and you are week-old food left in a hot car.
Ah, but I forgot my motto. Forgive and forget, right?
Have a nice day!
Xoxo,
Sarah
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