Curly hair is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a curse because it’s impossible to brush, gets frizzy easily, and if you dare try to experiment with different styles, you’ll inevitably end up running out of hair gel. Your local drugstore will run out of hair gel. Your home state will run out of hair gel. All the hair gel in the world will run out just because you wanted to look nice for a change. It’ll be a disaster.
But there is an upside. Having curly hair is like walking around with your own personal couch cushion between-y area on your head. You never know what kind of cool shit you’ll find in hiding in there. For example:
- Food – You’ll never go hungry again! Woken up by the sound of your stomach grumbling in the middle of the night? No need to go all the way to the kitchen to get a snack. All the snacks you need are right there in your hair, accumulated over the previous day. Already had lunch but too early for dinner? Just pop a couple hair strands into your mouth and feast on the leftover…. yogurt? When was the last time I ate yogurt? Oh, whatever. Still delicious!
- Anything With An Adhesive – Tape, price tags, and sticky notes, oh my! This is super practical! Break your glasses? There’s some tape in your hair that can fix that! Roommate left her dishes in the sink? How fortunate that your co-worker’s passive aggressive note from earlier today got caught in your hair at the office! You don’t have to write one yourself, and you get to experience the joy of recycling! Ever wonder how much you cost? The price tag in your hair says $1.99! What a bargain!
- Ghosts of Pranks’ Past – Remember that time some kid on the school bus threw gum in your hair? It’s still there. When you fell asleep in class and your friends sprinkled pencil shavings on it? They’re still there. The silly string? Still there. The orange juice? Still there. The scorpion? Still there! Ah, memories.
- Speaking of Scorpions – Bugs! And leaves! And birds! And flowers! And lice! And a human toe, that one time! Your hair plays host to a wonderful ecosystem. You’re truly one with nature. That hive in your locks might be the only reason honeybees haven’t gone extinct yet. That branch knotted in there has fed many a termite passing through. Way to do your part!
So next time you’re bummed because you spent your whole paycheck on a product run at CVS, don’t worry. There are probably a few extra coins hiding in your hair. Just give it a tousle and see what comes out*!
* Four pennies, a match, fried rice, a harmonica, shoelaces, a key, and your grandmother’s ashes.
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