I know why you’re here. You’re here because you want to create a big-budget, smash-hit TV show and so you logically came here to this Brown University female comedy blog. But you don’t just want to make any TV show. You want an incredibly popular, lucrative crime drama procedural. Well today’s your lucky day: welcome to the step-by-step guide. But wait, you shout, why should I take your advice on the matter? Well, I have no social life and that frees up a lot of time for watching crime dramas on Netflix I’m an expert with a lot of experience in the field.
Cast: First things first, an ensemble cast is absolutely necessary. The basic team members are as follows:
Seasoned Veteran: An older father figure for the team. Can function as a team leader if you prefer to keep this crew small. He’s an expert in the field, with a dark secret in his past that motivates him to continue to work in this grueling environment.
Team Leader: (Necessary only if Seasoned Veteran doesn’t fill the position). A younger father figure. White. Relatively bland. Has an adorable family and constantly wrestles with balancing the demands of his job and spending time with them (you’ll kill the family later – refer to the Episodes section).
Token Female Agent: (Can be separated into Ethnic Female Agent and Daddy Issues Female Agent should you wish to attempt the Bechdel test). Her daddy was a cop, she grew up in Brooklyn and got promoted to this unit from Vice. She’s hot and vaguely ethnic (her ability to speak a different language will come in handy).
Muscle-Man: While not the tactical brains of the team, he’s got overly developed pecs and a tight little ass. He comes from the streets and this connection makes him valuable for interrogations. Have him tackle a couple of people per episode and refer to suspects as “dirtbags” or “perps.”
Counter-Culture Girl: An auxiliary team member – an expert in some special field. (Think hacking, research, forensics, etc.) This is someone who typically stays behind – they’re not in the field – but they have lots of webcam setups. Dress them as an exaggerated stereotype of subculture; your design influences should be the female sidekick characters on early-2000s Disney channel shows.
Boy Genius: A gangly, elfin lad with a doofy haircut and excellent bone structure. He got his PhD at age 19 and now he’s the youngest agent/detective/technician at the bureau/precinct/lab. The seasoned veteran and team leader worry that while his intellect is remarkable, he might not have the mental fortitude necessary for such a tough job.
Additional Characters: Civilian Consultant, Hard-ass Female Boss, British Person, Guest Star FBI Consultant, Ice-T, Tech Who Hates Team, etc. Feel free to mix n’ match for your diversity quota needs!
Episodes: Now that you’ve got a cast, the only thing left are the actual episodes. Here are all the storylines you want to make sure to hit in order to make this show a success:
Abduction: A team member is abducted by the bad guy of the episode. Typically, it’s the boy genius – we get to see his mental fortitude tested. And so the boy genius becomes a man genius – his coming of age is further emphasized by a haircut. Like a shaggy-haired caterpillar blossoming into a beautiful high-and-tight butterfly.
Fatal Attraction: A female team member becomes romantically involved with a psycho – probably the very psycho they’re trying to find. She gives him dangerous access to confidential information and narrowly escapes being psycho-murdered. The team finds her in the nick of time, and Boy Genius (or Civilian Consultant if you have one) shoots him fatally – except, get this, he was aiming for his leg! Oh, gets me every time.
The Backstory Episodes: First comes the “daddy issues” backstory – where the audience learns why the Token Female Agent is the way that she is. We hear about how her father was killed in the line of fire, etc. etc. etc. Later on comes the Seasoned Veteran’s backstory, in which the audience learns about the case that keeps him in the field. His nemesis’ M.O. reappears in a series of cases, but this time he has the team to help him – we all learn the importance of trusting others.
Team-cest: The key here is to set this one up early. Get some sexual tension going between two characters – maybe some love/hate or shoulder-to-lean-on type stuff. After a particularly tough case, they consummate their relationship and shenanigans ensue as they try to keep their relationship a secret from the rest of the team.
Gratuitous Family Murder: When you feel that the show is losing its personal touch amongst all the killing of numerous people every episode, go ahead and murder the Team Leader’s family. It will give him a vendetta in order to make him into the new Seasoned Veteran. And the team will remember that sometimes the job is personal.
Writing Someone Out: As we all know, you can just kill them off. However, a truly good writer doesn’t use cheap gimmicks. Instead, make them have a mental breakdown – the job gets to be too much for them. Holy shit, that’s Emmy material.
Well, we’ve covered the basics and you’re finally ready to create your very own show! All you need now are a couple of hilarious cold opens and a light rock opening song. Call me when you get your first hate mail from Dick Wolf.
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