With spring break coming up, I want to remind us all of the most dangerous threat that comes with unaccompanied college students drunkenly wandering the cheapest tropical countries they could find tickets to: lice. Between platonic bed-sharing, drunken hookups, and appropriative beach hair braiding, lice is a large health risk to spring breakers everywhere. As a former pre-med and a girl who enjoys not having bugs in her hair, here are my best tips to avoid lice this spring break:
1. Shave your head
Obvious. You can’t get lice if they have nowhere to live. Opt for a new trendy hairstyle (or lack thereof) and go for the bald look. It’ll be low maintenance on the beach, aerodynamic on the jetski, and keep you cool in the sun’s heat, but make sure to apply sunscreen—you won’t want your new, sleek dome to burn.
2. Don’t leave the pool or ocean
Lice can’t swim… Right???
3. Demand your own room like an entitled brat
Though this may come easier to only children, for the low, low price of one massive tantrum, you can swindle your own room from everyone else who Venmoed the same exact amount of money as you. They just don’t get that you need your own privacy and personal space in the 20-person Airbnb you willingly agreed to stay in. It’s not your fault. Stand up for yourself and set strong boundaries. Lice, do not enter.
4. Slyly convince everyone to do mayonnaise “hair masks”
Spring break is the perfect time for self-care, and what is the best way to do that on a budget? Buy some generic brand, oil-based sauce, and slather it into your scalp and split ends. This soothing experience will leave you with beautiful shiny hair, and hopefully lots of suffocated lice in the process.
5. Pick a fight right before the trip, so you have an excuse to be cold and distant
This one requires the most effort, but may be optimal for freshmen looking to escape their orientation friend groups they’ve outgrown and can’t seem to shake. Try telling your friends their destination of choice is problematic and “deeply rooted in colonialism.” If that doesn’t work, maybe ask them if they are really getting on the plane with “that beach bod.” You may be drawing a line in the sand, but you’ll be keeping lice on the other side of it.
6. Loudly proclaim you have lice before the trip begins, so no one goes near you
This may require a sacrifice of pride and people’s perceptions of your hygiene, but when everybody else is itching, you will get the last laugh.
This is not official medical advice. If you think you have lice please seek a medical professional and stay far, far away from me. Thanks.