Roommates are a hallmark of college living, as are the conflicts that naturally come with sharing 200 square feet with another human. But what do you do when the passive-aggressive sticky notes don’t cut it when dealing with your problems? If you hate confrontation (like me), and talking it out with your RPL or consulting BUMP is completely out of the question, one must resort to other methods to convey your frustration to your roommate. You can:
steal their socks.
Due to the black holes present in every washing machine at Brown, I am in constant need of socks. I take this opportunity to exploit my access to my roommate’s sock drawer. Since socks are a pretty generic commodity, this option is the safest and probably least likely to be noticed by your roommate.
eat their vitamins.
I revise this statement: eat their gummy vitamins. Those things are incredibly addicting, especially if they’re of the sour variety.
consistently unplug all their electronics and chargers.
If you want to go on the more aggressive side, just unplug the power strip; it will take longer for them to figure it out.
host a séance.
I’m talking candles, chanting, the whole shebang. Invite that one friend that owns a Ouija board. Call on your roommate’s dead grandmother. Then put the blame on grandma for the aforementioned passive-aggressive sticky notes.
hold satanic rituals in your room.
In the same vein, join the Church of Satan and hold the sacred destruction ritual. According to angelfire.com, you must invoke the Four Crowned Princes of Hell and recite your prayer that calls for the destruction of your enemy, in this case your roommate who refuses to vacuum or take out the trash. Bonus points if she’s in the room during the ritual.
make them into a poppet.
Finally put those VISA skills to use! Step 1: Expertly craft a miniature look-a-like. Step 2: Elf-on the-shelf that shit. Leave the doll in compromising situations around your room— pins in the eyes, drown it, burn it, rip off it’s head—and deny any involvement.
write a Rib article about it.
This is especially effective when they don’t normally really read your posts, but will now be forced to scan your future articles in case you reference them again.
**DISCLAIMER: Ruth, if you’re reading this, I promise not to steal your shit and keep my satanic prayers focused on the baristas that skimp on the whip cream on my Frappuccinos.
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