It’s that time of year again. Everywhere you look you’ll find triumphant winners or sore losers. If you are on the former side, you’ll find yourself feeling ecstatic now that you finally have a win. If you are on the latter, you’ll find yourself surrounded by broken hearts, tears, and the color of blood. No, it’s not The Red Wedding. I’m talking about Valentine’s Day.
This year, for the 20th year in a row (actually this is a lie – here’s looking at you, 3rd and 5th grade), I will be – everybody sing it with me now – SINGLE. But this year, I choose not Galentine’s to comfort me, not chocolate to soothe my woes, not Nicholas Sparks books to give me hope, but comedy and feminism.
I don’t know why in this day and age, women (and men) still believe they need to be in a relationship. All I hear is, “I am just so sad I haven’t found anyone.” But I sincerely believe that it’s okay to be alone until you do find someone. Who cares if it takes forever? It’s not like you can’t have fun without a significant other. Don’t feel pathetic for being single. But since nobody believes me, I decided the only way y’all would realize it’s okay to be single, was if someone famous told you so.
I should admit fellow Ribbies had better ideas for not feeling like a loser today, like delivering those old Valentine’s you used to give out to everyone in elementary school, or taking yourself out for wine and sushi (wine sushi). But for now, let me say – without hope or agenda – just because it’s Valentine’s Day – and at Valentine’s you lie to fill the void – to me, you all are perfect, and it really is okay and even preferable (?) to be single – and my wasted heart (because I am definitely not spending V-Day sober) will love you even if you look like this tonight:
Anyway, here are some totally real things your faves have said:
- “They don’t want you to be happy being single.” –DJ Khaled.
- “Bitch, being single is amazing. You’re at a top university. You slay. You’re a KWEEN. Yaas. Work it.” –lana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson, from Broad City.
- “By participating in Valentine’s Day festivities, the rich at Hallmark get richer, and you poor bastards are getting poorer. What we need is a revolution.” –Bernie Sanders
- “I’ve been dating myself since I was in the womb. Nothing wrong with that. I’m a genius. So are you.” –Kanye
- “There is beauty in solace. Why would I love someone more than me?” –Emo Kylo Ren
- “If you like the way you look that much, well you’re right because you’re amazing.” –Feminist Justin Bieber
- “Hey girl, you don’t need me to validate you. You can validate yourself.” –Ryan Gosling
- “Being single is a gift. Men are dumb, women are dumb, and together they just burden the American taxpayer with their love.” –Ron Swanson
- “All the single ladies put your hands up. We flawless.” –Beyoncé. Oh wait, this one’s real!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
